


Before The (Snow)Storm

by Rumbellestiltskin



Series: Snow Verse [2]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, Suicide Attempt, here we go bois, time for snow pt.2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-04-20 20:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14268726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumbellestiltskin/pseuds/Rumbellestiltskin
Summary: Starts two years before the events of "Snow". This time we have the Monika and Sayori side of the story.Sayori had been struggling for a while. Juggling hopeless feelings towards her friend alongside her crushing depression and overly religious family was gradually becoming a tiresome chore. Things were about to change, however. But not always for the better.*This can be read without reading "Snow" first - however some detailed parts from the previous story may be skipped over.





	1. "You're So Cool"

**Author's Note:**

> We're back, with even more fluff and angst! Time to see Sayori and Monika's side of the events from "Snow". So, yes, this is in the same timeline. The title is supposed to be a clever pun related to "Before the Storm" but I don't think it worked well.
> 
> Also, I realised a few days ago that "Snow" has the second highest amount of kudos in the DDLC section! That's honestly insane! Thank you all so much! <3

Sayori watched with heavy-lidded eyes as her hand hovered in the air above her head. The soft duvet of her unmade bed supported her back where she lay, fairy lights strung in haphazard patterns along the cream walls that illuminated her little bedroom. They were pretty.

But, still, she felt numb.

A continuous, crushing weight seemed to consume her in every moment, morphing her once happy thoughts into dread and fear. And sometimes, like now, that weight became just too unbearable to cope with. 

So instead of forcing herself to be productive, Sayori allowed herself to be lazy. Which she always regretted, but in the moment she didn't care. Discarded, overdue homework lay at her side and an uncapped pen sat unsteadily on the sheets beside it, its nib seeping black ink into her floral bedspread. 

Her energy for the day had melted away, leaving behind a dull, hollow shell of a girl who couldn't even bring herself to pick up a pen and write out her own name.

It was normal to feel this way, right?

As the blood drained from her arm, that still remained stuck above her head, Sayori sighed a quiet breath of relief. The skin tingled and the muscles ached. She could still feel _something_. She lowered it with a lethargic flop to the bed, the strange sensation of the blood returning a welcome comfort.

S _ee? You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you._

Sayori inhaled shakily, screwing her eyes shut.

_You're just a stupid failure. Stop blaming your laziness on your mental health._

Well, that wasn't exactly a tough thing to figure out. Perhaps today would be the day she'd ask one of her friends if how she was feeling truly was normal so she wouldn't carry around an air of worry with her everywhere she went. Sayori peered across the bedsheets at the phone resting beside her pillow. 

_All it would take is just reaching over..._

She blinked. The mobile looked so painfully daunting lying there in the little curve of the bedsheet. There was no need to bother her friends with her foolish feelings.

They didn't care. 

Unshed tears glazed her vision as that particular thought crossed her mind. Each and every day she tried so hard to deny it, to assure herself it was a lie, but those hushed, taunting whispers in the base of her thoughts always convinced her otherwise. She loved her friends with a burning passion, but she constantly feared they didn't love her back.

Especially the girl at the very forefront of her mind.

Even though she adored all of her friends deeply, there was just that little something extra nestled in there for Monika.

But there was no fathomable way on Earth that the pretty, talented Monika would ever return the feelings that sad little Sayori harbored so intensely towards her. The popular girl falling for the outcast...That just didn't happen. It _wouldn't_. She was often surrounded by her clique of confident, beautified friends that only dimmed Sayori's own appeal in comparison.

But that didn't mean she wouldn't sulk about it.

At least it didn't make her cry any longer.

Sayori so desperately wanted to reach out and message her, but...It was useless. She had gradually convinced herself over the long months that Monika only spoke to her to pass time. It felt highly doubtful that she would genuinely want to spend precious time with her given all the other social opportunities that lay before her. Besides, she and Yuri were at a house party tonight. It was Friday, after all.

Maybe she'd work on her energy and try and message Natsuki, instead. She was supposed to meet Sayori tomorrow anyway, if they were each feeling up to it. For the time Sayori had known her best friend she had suspected something sinister was hidden under that feisty facade and sour attitude she wore so effortlessly, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out what. Sayori felt fairly confident that if Natsuski wanted to talk to her about it, she would. Monika was better at that sort of detective thing.

_Ugh, there you go again. Thinking about Monika. Give it a rest, Sayo._

Honestly, she couldn't wait for the day that she stopped being so hung up on this pointless, little crush. Maybe then she'd finally get something productive done.

 

* * *

 

Loud bass music throbbed from the walls of the large, detached house stationed before Monika. She stood still, watching with repressed delight as she caught sight of her friends and classmates bustling around the garden and in the porch. The party seemed popular, which made perfect sense given it was for the vice president's birthday.

Taking one last glance at her phone before pocketing it, Monika found herself frowning in quiet disappointment. She shook it off, her attention returning to the house.

Beside her, Yuri shifted her weight as her fingers thread anxiously through her long, violet hair. Monika placed a comforting hand on her forearm; the girl flinched a little at her touch but then hastily relaxed. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" She asked gently. Monika wasn't really a party person herself, she only occasionally accepted an invitation, but this was completely and utterly new territory to Yuri.

"I-I think so."

"Well, I guess we'll find out!" She pulled Yuri along excitedly, her grip on her arm tightening. A little wince escaped the girl but as Monika peered at her curiously she only offered her a sweet smile in return. "Stick with me, okay?"

Yuri nodded and allowed Monika to lead her up the white porch steps and along the wide veranda that was littered with students. They all clutched red party cups in their hands as they laughed, kissed and chatted; a few were possibly slightly too young to be there, to Monika's knowledge, but she was willing to let that fact slide. They were only having a bit of fun.

The humid inside of the house pulsed with an electric, exciting energy. Her school mates lined the tall stairwell and halls alongside rows of white tables boasting piles of plastic cups and bowls of punch. Alcoholic, she assumed. Music and voices filled the air, contributing to the invigorating atmosphere. As she wandered inside, Monika was instantaneously called over by a chatty, energetic group of her student council friends. One of which being the vice president.

She very nearly tripped on one of many abandoned, glass bottles littering the floor as she tugged Yuri along with her to merge with the group, their delighted, tipsy grins contagious. Fleeting greetings and hugs were shared and drinks were soon thrust into her and Yuri's hands. A long sip confirmed her initial suspicions of alcohol, the taste of it dull and smoky. Personally, she leaned more towards fruity, sweet drinks than rough beer when she did end up drinking.

Somehow it was always her student council group that encouraged her to. Which was the primary reason she tended to decline their social offers.

"You're already a few drinks behind, prez," one of the girls giggled as she pressed another cup into her last empty hand. "Don't let us down, now!"  _Fuck it_ , she thought briefly before gulping the contents of the two cups down with a motivational cheer from her peers to spur her on. Her throat burned pleasantly as she inhaled sharply, a silly grin plastered along her face. 

Beside her, however, Yuri appeared uncomfortable, her free hand twisting her hair once more. Monika leaned towards her, lowering her voice. "Don't feel pressured into anything. Take your time." Nodding, Yuri took a small sip of her own drink, hiding the fiery blush spreading along her cheekbones. "You okay?"

"Uh...y-yes." Monika smiled fondly at that. She took Yuri's hand and hastily placed it over the top of her cup.

"Keep it covered. Just to be extra safe." Squeezing Yuri's fingers gently, Monika turned back to the group.

"Come on," the vice president said, taking a firm hold of Monika's wrist. "Now that you're here we can start."

"Start what?" She asked curiously, allowing herself to be led by the group down the hallway and through into the busy dining room.

"The games, of course!" 

The lengthy, mahogany dining table had been re-positioned into the center of the spacious room. A triangle of plastic cups filled with a selection of coloured drinks stood at both ends with a little pile of ping pong balls beside each. 

_Oh, of course._

"You're _so_ on!"

After a few games with a mixture of wins and losses Monika stepped to the side to allow the next group to partake in the fun. She glanced around, realising Yuri was no where to be seen in the large expanse of the room.

Before she could dwell on that she felt a soft tap on her shoulder. Turning, she found the vice president smiling at her expectantly. "Can I speak to you privately?" She asked, uncharacteristically shy.

In an instant Monika's stomach churned, her chest tightening. She knew precisely what this would be about.

And she'd really been hoping to avoid it.

Even so, she returned the smile and stepped back from their friends. "Sure! Lead the way."

They wandered from the dining room, each step only succeeding in escalating her apprehension. Just as they were turning to ascend the stairwell she caught a flash of purple in the crowd of the hallway and Monika took a hasty detour to make a grab for the source.

Yuri was talking to a student a couple of years older than themselves, someone she clearly knew as evidence by her strangely confident chattiness. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, Monika!" All of a sudden Yuri seemed to register what exactly she'd just done. "I apologise if I worried you, my friend here pulled me away."

Delighted, Monika only grinned and clapped her hands together. "Don't apologise, that's great! I won't be long." Yuri nodded, signaling her understanding, and Monika took the open opportunity to continue to follow her friend, who was waiting impatiently halfway up the winding stairs.

But perhaps delaying the inevitable slightly was for the best.

The bathroom door locked with a soft click as Monika breezed in, attempting to keep her composure. The cool tile and quietness of the room suddenly made her very aware of just how tipsy she was in that moment, the alcohol leaving her body humming.

"Listen, Moni...About the other day..." Her heart skipped a beat, icy dread seeping through her skin to chill her bones in an instant. _Fuck_ , she really wasn't in any mood to be talking about this right now. Especially not on the girl's birthday. "I, uh, I wanted to ask-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there," Monika cut in abruptly. Carefully, she placed her cup on the side of the bathtub and gently gripped her friend's shoulders with her hands. "Before you say anything I just need to expose all of my feelings." The vice president's eyes brightened slightly in hopeful anticipation, her lips parted prettily. After screwing her eyes shut, Monika forced herself to open them once more to meet her gaze as she crushed the poor girl's heart between her fingers. "I've thought long and hard about this and...I, uh...I don't want us to be anything more than...friends."

As the heavy words sunk in the vice president's whole demeanor dimmed. It painfully tugged Monika's heartstrings to watch her shoulders slump and her eyes glaze over with evident disappointment. "O-Oh."

"I'm so sorry," Monika stuttered out in a desperate attempt to patch up the hurt she'd brought upon her friend. "I really shouldn't have let it get as far as it did when I had no other intentions, that was completely my fault. I hope you can forgive me?"

She knew she sounded pathetic and strained but it was the best she could offer given the circumstances. After a quiet moment the vice president shrugged Monika's hands off of her shoulders and nodded tautly before turning and quickly departing from the scene, tiny streaks of tears down her cheeks glinting in the harsh bathroom light.

Guilt gnawed away at her reasoning, leaving her feeling dizzy and disorientated. Monika sat unsteadily on the side of the bathtub beside her forgotton red cup. It wasn't like her to hurt someone like that...she was a nice, considerate person.

She _was_. At least that's what she consistently told herself.

But her actions over the previous few days seemed to have proven otherwise. She'd ended up leaving someone she cared about feeling used and disgusting.

The complex social skills required in life had never come naturally to her. Most of the time she managed to don a plastic mask of self assurance and confidence, making those around her think she knew what she was doing. Yet in reality, she was clueless. She was hopeless at reading people, hopeless at talking to people, hopeless at managing others' emotions. It was just...intimidating.

Public speaking and writing were her strong points. Then when it actually came to applying social skills, she flunked. And this was a perfect example of that.

Monika exhaled a soft breath. Why had she even turned her friend down? She was pretty and smart and open about her feelings...But for some reason or another Monika felt no attraction towards her. She'd even been trying to force herself to fall for her for the past couple of days in order to avoid this particular situation, but to no avail. It didn't make any sense.

Well, perhaps it made perfect sense. Baring in mind how Monika had been feeling herself lately.

A brisk knock at the door shocked her from her thoughts. A dim male voice radiated through, masked by the distant music. "Is this free?" _Oh, of course._ Isolating herself in a populated party with access to only two bathrooms seemed like a really dumb idea all of a sudden.

"Yeah, be right out!" Taking a deep, leveling breath Monika grasped her cup and stood up, making her way to the bathroom door. As she swung it open she was greeted by a student she distantly knew from her classes. He offered her a small smile before slipping past her into the bathroom and she took the opportunity to descend the stairs in hopes of finding Yuri once more. 

And hopes that she wouldn't bump into the vice president just yet.

She trotted down the stairs with her chin held high, taking a long, cooling sip of the drink she held as she did so. Yuri wasn't where she had previously left her, or anywhere else in the hallway for that matter. Huffing, Monika craned her neck in attempt to scan the thick crowd of the living room, with little luck. She slipped between a small gap in the pack of students, pushing her way efficiently through to the dining room. Again, no sight of Yuri.

Frustration began to bubble in her stomach, alongside something incredibly closely resembling worry. She sighed inwardly and tossed her empty drink cup into the trash as she passed through the thriving kitchen and into the glass conservatory. 

"Hey, Moni?" Yet another of the countless students she was associated with in one way or another. She halted reluctantly, forcing a sweet smile. The house was slowly becoming suffocating, she realised. "Can I talk to you about the budget real quick? I didn't get a chance earlier at school."

"U-Uh," she stuttered, awkwardly shifting her weight. A deep heat was gradually flaring across her forehead, her skin becoming itchy and uncomfortable. She had to get out of there. "Can you give me a minute?"

Without waiting for an answer Monika slipped around the girl and out through the conservatory door. This part of the garden was fairly barren, the life of the party nearer the front of the house.

The chilly, late Summer breeze ruffled her hair pleasantly and soothed her racing heart in a mere second. She exhaled gently, working slowly on the motivation to search for her friend once more. 

"Monika?"

_Yuri's voice!_

Monika swung around, slightly unsteadily, to find Yuri standing not far away in the dark of the garden. She scurried over to her, throwing her arms around the taller girl's shoulders as she approached. " _Thank God_ I found you! I was getting worried!"

Yuri returned the hug tenderly, her warmth a welcome relief to her racing heart. "I needed a breather. I-I think I will head off."

Pulling away, Monika grasped her friend by the forearms once more. A distinct sadness settled in at her words. "Are you sure?"

"I am, yes" Yuri stuttered out, refusing to meet her eye. "This is a little too much for me, I believe."

 _Fair enough_ , she thought. It could be pretty intimidating for anyone, especially someone as shy and reclusive as Yuri. "I can walk you home if you'd like-"

"No, I refuse to be a burden," Yuri interrupted with a kind but steely determination. "Please continue to enjoy the party, I will see you at school on Monday."

"Y-Yeah...okay. See you then," Monika said weakly, dropping her hands as Yuri offered her a warm smile and turned to leave through the tiny picket fence.

When she disappeared from view Monika sighed deeply, dropping her head into her hands. The dull buzz of the alcohol was slowly engulfing her alongside all the coursing emotions flitting through her mind. Perhaps a quick breather herself would be beneficial before she returned to brave the liveliness of indoors.

She rummaged through her hand bag until she found and retrieved her phone once more. Unlocking it, she felt that familiar sting of disappointment as her gaze scanned her unread messages. Many of them. 

Yet none of them seemed to alight any sort of excitement.

She quickly noticed that her thumb was hovering over a very specific name in her contacts. Hesitantly, Monika clicked it. It took all her willpower to prevent herself from biting down on her lower lip in careful anticipation as she typed a quick message, her heart skipping. Alcohol really did amazing things to confidence.

The second she pressed 'send' her breath escaped her in a quiet _whoosh,_ the building tension disintegrating into the cool night air. Why was that so exhilarating and likewise nerve wracking? It was only messaging her friend, someone she knew well and cared about and...

...also someone she may have been harboring a tiny, bubbling crush for.

But that didn't exactly warrant such a giddy response. She'd had crushes and girlfriends in the past, but for some reason or another this felt...different. More intense. Whether that was good or bad, she couldn't tell. Although she had to admit she kind of liked it.

Her heart swelled and her stomach flipped when she talked to Sayori, something she had never really experienced before to such a blinding extent. Whenever she offered to spend time with her it utterly made Monika's day and could influence her whole mood. 

That meant Sayori had a dangerous amount of power over her well-being, however. There was a distinct reason Monika had never risked showing her true feelings to the girl.

She was terrified of her rejection. That would ultimately crush her.

_Just like you crushed your friend not long ago?_

She shook off those degrading thoughts with a scowl. That was unfair, it wasn't as though she could control how she felt. Wasn't it best she were honest rather than living a lie?

But asides that, did Sayori even like girls in that way? Monika genuinely had no idea. At all. She'd often shown little interest in dating, which was simultaneously relieving and worrying. It wasn't as if she could just ask her something like that out of the blue, that was ridiculous and more than a little suspicious.

No, that was a problem for another time. Maybe it would just be easier to lock away those fragile feelings forever. Perhaps they didn't ever need to be exposed to the light of day.

Monika looked down at her phone, noticing a message had come through while she had been lost in her whirlpool of thoughts.

Sayori had replied. 

 

_9:12pm: Monika - Hey! You doing okay?_

_9:14pm: Sayori - Hiya Moni! Yeah! Aren't you supposed to be at a party??_

 

After a second Monika caught herself smiling dumbly down at the phone grasped firmly within her palm. _Pull yourself together, jeez!_

 

_9:15pm: Monika - I am! It's pretty boring though. Wuu2?_

 

With a contented sigh Monika relaxed back against the firm, brick wall behind her. It felt as though an overbearingly crushing weight had been lifted from her shoulders, enhancing her entire mood and settling her buzzing mind.

Again, that was a particularly dangerous thing for Sayori to have such fluid influence over.

As she waited for her club mate's response she felt a soft hand fall onto her shoulder. Her head darted up to find one of her student council friends smiling at her, two red, plastic cups in her hands.

"Are you coming back to the party?" She questioned, offering Monika one of the drinks. "We've lost the birthday girl, we could use your help finding her."

Weakly, she returned the smile and accepted the cup. She nodded once and took a long sip, hoping it would hush her thoughts in due time. This time the contents were cider, it tasted strong and fruity and she liked it. "Yeah, let's go."

She would need to face the vice president at some point, perhaps sooner rather than later would be best.

As she was led back into the house by her hand Monika caught a quiet glimpse at her phone. Sayori had replied again. Disappointment simmered as the hulking realisation that she wouldn't be able to message her as efficiently as she previously had settled in, baring in mind she'd need to keep up with the demands of her friends for a while.

Huffing, Monika slipped her phone into her pocket.

She'd reply later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't have a name for the vice president yet, as you can probably tell. And I haven't really decided what actually happened with her and Monika but...I'll figure it out! 
> 
> Also I apologise for the messy writing, it's tough to remember that this is supposed to be a completely new story with fresh emotions and thoughts and I found myself skipping over the "obvious" points.


	2. "Memento Mori"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be up yesterday but I was at an Icon for Hire gig and was in no state to proof read the chapter when I got home. You should all thank that band, though, they inspired a lot of my writing!
> 
> Time for a boring dialogue chapter, I'm sorry.

The television droned on in the background, a constant, comforting noise that drowned the outside world away in flashes of bright colour. Sayori lay sprawled out on her front across the cushions of her living room sofa, her energy running low as she watched the screen flicker and dance with sated enthusiasm.

Natsuki slouched in the corner of the room on a rotating office chair that was pulled up into a mahogany desk. She was tapping away on a keyboard while scrolling through a recipe blog on Sayori's family computer, seemingly forming a bakery to-do list. Her presence there while her parents were out was a welcome solace from her worries. 

With lazy, clumsy movements Sayori reached out to unplug her phone from its charger and pulled it back to the safety of her blanket. She huffed warm air through her nose as a twinge of disappointment shot up her chest, snaking it's way into her fragile heart. Monika hadn't replied to her message since late the previous night. Which was fair enough, she couldn't exactly force her to speak to her, but she also couldn't deny the sting of pain she felt. 

"Hey, Natsuki?"

"Yeah?" The girl mumbled the response, evidently distracted by her online adventures.

Still, Sayori persisted with her question. "Hypothetically speaking...what would you do if you ever had a serious crush on someone that you had absolutely zero chance with?"

Grinning mischievously, Natsuki swung around in the chair to face her. "Oooh! Does Sayori have a crush?" Her tone, although light, held that distinct teasing edge that the girl often expressed in her jokes. It wasn't always appreciated, but for now the playful mocking actually helped calm her a little.

"I said hypothetically!"

She scoffed, rolling her bright eyes. "Ah yeah, like when you _hypothetically_ ate all of my cupcakes, or _hypothetically_ broke one of Yuri's teacups."

Cheeks flaring, Sayori whined and burrowed her heated face into a protective pillow underneath her head. "Just... _Please_?"

"Fine," she grumbled. "How serious we talking?"

"Like...can't-sleep-at-night-or-focus-since-I'm-so-distracted kind of crush?"

"Yikes, that honestly just sounds annoying. I wouldn't know what to do." Natsuki shrugged with a grimace, her slender arms crossing loosely over her chest. "I'm not exactly the best help for this kind of romance crap. But maybe if I knew who it was...?"

"Natsuki!" Sayori whimpered, her face heating ever further. She heard the harsh scrape of the chair against the wooden floorboards as Natsuki stood and made her way quickly to sit beside her on the sofa, her weight dipping the cushions.

"Is it someone I know?" She asked, evidently amused. Sayori didn't answer, only lifted her head to glare sharp daggers at her. Natsuki's eyes sparkled prettily, her grin widening. "Holy crap, it is! C'mon, you trust me right?!"

Trust wasn't exactly the issue. Natsuki knowing would just make the atmosphere so... _awkward_  with Monika around; which would be fairly unavoidable during club time. And telling her would just make those concealed feelings all too real and confusing.

What if she ended up realising this was all just some huge, cruel trick her mind had been playing on her and her little crush on Monika was actually none existent. That wasn't too far fetched of a notion, baring in mind she was the first girl Sayori had ever crushed on and it had come incredibly out of the blue. Her stupid, dumb depression could be manipulating her once more and she wouldn't even know until it was too late.

And then by that point she wouldn't be able to turn back without hurting somebody, including herself.

So perhaps it was just for the best to ignore her feelings, lock the crush away into a tight little box and abandon it in the dusty corners of her conscience, never to reach its full potential.

"At the very least tell me if they're a guy or not?" Natsuki prodded her shoulder impatiently with a quiet huff. Sayori raised a cautious eyebrow at her.

"Uh, no. She's not. Why?" 

"Well..." Natsuki peered stiffly around the living room, gesturing loosely to the various crosses and Christian decor strung along the walls and mantelpiece. _Oh, right._ "Y'know." 

That would have to be a problem for another day, if it ever needed to be addressed. "Y-Yeah. Fair enough."

"Okay, so that's something to work with...first letter of her name?"

"Ugh!" Sayori shoved her playfully, to which Natsuki merely laughed. "Not telling."

"I bet I can guess it." Taking a deep, calming breath, Natsuki began to recite the alphabet quickly, her eyes locked firmly to Sayori's. It was more than a little intimidating to see her often grumpy friend so enthusiastically interested in her life. "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O- _Wait_!" She shifted her weight closer to Sayori, her hands gripping her shoulders with adorably keen vigor. "Your eye twitched...K...L...M- _There_! Again!"

_Ugh, dammit._

Grinning, Natsuki crossed her arms tautly across her chest, evidently proud of her impressive accomplishment. Rightly so, Sayori thought. "So her name begins with 'M', huh?"

"I'm barely saying anything, how are you so good at this?!" She whined, feeling more than a little defeated.

"Just, uh...practice reading people, I guess," she mumbled, her fingers plucking the edge of a frilly pillow she was sitting on. She perked up again, however, almost as soon as the damp mood settled. "Anyway! We have Mia in our Maths class, yeah? The one who likes manga?"

"No. She's too much like you."

"Yeah, I- _Hey!_ That's mean!" Sayori giggled at the crabby scowl morphing Natsuki's expression. "Okay not her, then. Oh! And then in Physics we have-" Abruptly, Natsuki halted, her lips parted mid-sentence. After a brief moment her eyes seemed to glaze over with a sudden realisation. " _Oh my God_  wait, is it Monika?"

Well, her previous plan of lying low had just been thrown violently out of a three story window and left to squash against the pavement. Sayori groaned again, gripping her own pillow in frustration. _"Damn you, Natsuki!"_

"It is?" Sayori nodded once, refusing to meet her eyes out of sheer humiliation and fear. A thick silence began to hang in the air.

_Stupid stupid stupid. Why did you even say anything?_

She didn't need or want the inevitable judgement right now. 

"I-I know it's silly," she stuttered out to break the growing, tense quiet that stretched between them, "She would never return the feelings. But I-I can't help them!"

"No," Natsuki replied firmly, although her voice was surprisingly dreamy. "No it's not silly at all. I'm just realising how damn obvious it's been."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, seriously! Thinking back it's the most blatant thing on the planet. They way you act around her and...stuff." She exhaled quietly, resting back against the cushions of the sofa behind her. "What are you gonna do?"

"That was my original question!"

"Oh yeah. I got too caught up in guessing who it was I forgot what we were talking about." Despite the numbness she felt creeping up her rib cage, Sayori allowed herself to laugh a little to force herself to relax. "I, uh, I dunno. Will you tell her?"

"Gosh, no!" Sayori stuttered out. Even the mere thought of that exchange send anxious shivers along her spine, her palms becoming clammy. "Definitely not."

"Fair enough. I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do or say right now."

"That's okay," she murmured, running a hand through her short, strawberry blond hair. _Ugh_ , it needed a wash. Perhaps when she gathered enough scraps of energy to shower she would give it her best attempt. "I just have to live with it."

Humming thoughtfully, Natsuki kicked her feet up onto the sofa, seemingly starting to settle onto the cushions and abandoning her chair. "I don't think it's a lost cause."

"Huh?"

"Like..." She exhaled in a quiet sigh, her jaw tense. "I don't think it's too far fetched to assume Monika wouldn't like you back."

"Wha-? Are you kidding? She's miles too far out of my league."

"I don't agree," Natsuki mumbled as she fidgeted, her enthusiasm from earlier knocked. She always acted so awkward when she was attempting to be nice, Sayori had noticed. "You kick yourself so much that you don't realise that you're a great person, too."

It was strange to hear her friend so openly kind to her. Well, Natsuki wasn't exactly mean she was just...defensive. Brutally, sometimes. And incredibly snappy when she wanted to be. That hardly dimmed their budding friendship, however. Somehow their opposing personalities only broke through the chains restricting their bond.

Still, despite the unusually sweet words Sayori only huffed quietly as the doubt crept its way into her mind. _That's not true, she's lying to you._

A harsh buzz from the palm of her hand distracted her from those oncoming degrading thoughts, much to her delight. That happiness only ignited into raw excitement as she saw the little message icon bobbing on the screen with Monika's name written across an animated envelope. A little preview of the message popped up beside the notification; she skimmed over the snippet of it, catching something about Monika just waking up and misplacing her phone last night before the preview came to an end.

She was more than aware that it was such a childish response to have, yet Sayori held very little control of those brimming emotions when they rose. Having the constant burden of numbing melancholy weighing her whole frame down through every moment only made the times where she actually, genuinely felt something even worse, or better in this particular case. 

But often those lovely, fleeting feelings only made her feel awfully drained once they died off, leaving behind an empty, gloomy shell. Sayori often thought she'd just be better off feeling absolutely nothing for the entirety of her days. Sometimes those moments of paradise just weren't worth the pain of the inevitable come down.

And yet, her heart currently swelled and her skin tingled with pure elation. 

She was so damn weak for allowing herself to feel the way she did over something so stupid. _You don't deserve this._

The voices were like a freaking broken record, over and over and over and over and over and...

A hand waved in front of her vision, shocking her from the grueling chaos of thoughts. "U-Uh, Sayo? You good?" She glanced up to find a rather concerned Natsuki peering down at her.

_Yes, everything's fine_.

"Yeah, sorry!"

_Now smile for her. She doesn't really care about how you're feeling._

Sayori smiled sleepily as she nodded once. "I'm just tired, that's all."

_Perfect._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was crappy and badly written I'm sorryyyy I promise I'll improve for later chapters!


	3. "Take My Whole Life, Too"

"Where the Hell is she?" Natsuki grumbled as she slouched in a desk chair, a volume of her current manga series open before her.

"I don't know," Sayori murmured in reply, her fingers plucking at the hem of her skirt. 

Peering down at the phone resting in her palm, Yuri spoke up. "She has not answered my texts yet."

Sayori hummed quietly, glancing between her two friends and the door. They had been waiting for at least five minutes for Monika, who hadn't since appeared. That felt unusual given the fact she was often punctual, particularly for club meetings. What if something was wrong? "I'm gonna go look for her," she decided aloud, her chair scraping loudly as she stood.

Groaning, Natsuki kicked her feet up onto another nearby seat. "Fine. But _please_ don't leave me alone with Yuri for long." 

"H-Hey!" Yuri appeared genuinely hurt for a brief moment, but as her sight set to Sayori she rapidly relaxed into a shy smile. "Good luck finding her." Nodding once in appreciation, Sayori departed from the classroom and steadily made her way through the quiet corridors in search of her friend.

She had a vague idea of where to look first.

The end of the colourful hall led to a descending stairwell and she trot down it quickly. The halls remained vacant as she passed various classrooms, some containing students in clubs or higher years fitting in extra study for oncoming exams. 

 _If only you had motivation to work that hard._  

It took her another minute or so to reach the long expanse of the music hallway. Monika was free from student council duties today so this was the next reasonable place of her whereabouts, Sayori suspected.

A pretty piano melody drifted down the hallway, catching Sayori's attention in a fleeting heartbeat. She recognised the tune in an instant, yet couldn't quite place the name of the song. After a moment she followed the familiar sound down the corridor to the third music classroom on the left. Her heart leapt as she heard the comforting lull of Monika's voice diffuse through the walls and she abruptly stopped herself from interrupting, instead opting to snatch the chance to listen.

Monika very rarely sung for them. She often kept her musical hobbies private and personal, inclining more to practicing away from nosy ears. Like Sayori was, in this instance. She felt a little guilty, Monika clearly kept her talent hidden for a reason; whether that particular reason was embarrassment, anxiety or just purely her own preference Sayori didn't know, however either way she hated to disturb her.

But she just couldn't seem to stop herself from listening. The rare occurrence that she heard her sing was just too good of an opportunity to pass up so effortlessly.

It only took her a few seconds to click onto the song Monika was playing. 

_"...Some things are meant to be...Take my hand...Take my whole life, too...For I can't help falling in love with you."_

The slow, gentle piano faded away much to Sayori's crushing disappointment. She huffed air through her nose quietly with a frown, the lyrics drilling gaping holes into her mind. Did Monika have a crush on someone? It could be plausible that she was merely singing it for the enjoyment, but...Sayori knew her better than that. She often acted on emotions rather than logistics, it seemed strange for her to choose a love song and not be considering the idea of love. 

_Perhaps you just don't know her at all, huh?_

A deep sadness settled into her conscious as the doubt crept in. She would be lying if she denied yearning with her whole heart that the song was sung in honor of her. Despite how blatantly stupid and childish that was. She really needed to stop raising her hopes so pathetically, it always ended in heartbreak.

Forcing a smile, Sayori finally worked up the courage to crack the music room door open with a brisk knock. Without waiting for an answer she stepped into the doorway, her eyes landing on a slightly flustered looking Monika. The girl was sitting at the piano with a pile of sheet music, which she was rummaging through hastily as Sayori took a step into the room. 

"S-Sayori, hi!" She said with her usual, genuine enthusiasm, a bright smile alighting her whole manner. "What are you, uh, doing here?"

She sounded a little stuttered. Perhaps she was nervous about her hearing her sing? If she felt self conscious about it that would make sense. "We were waiting at the club, you didn't show!"

"Wait, what?" Glancing to the clock, Monika's eyes suddenly went impossibly wide, the emerald practically disappearing into an ebony sea as she leapt up from her little seat. "Oh, Gosh, sorry!" Sayori refrained from giggling as Monika awkwardly gathered up her things, stuffing loose papers haphazardly into her bag and lowering the lid of the piano to cover the keys and interior. 

"Lose track of time again, huh?" Sayori teased light heartedly. The cheeky smile she earned from her friend in return was well worth every moment of sadness she had felt only a minute before. 

Monika slipped through the doorway beside her, to which Sayori followed like an eager puppy. "Yeah I know. Sue me, right?"

"Nah, you're alright," she replied as her chest swelled with delight. It just felt pure and comforting to act so silly with Monika, who often had to don a serious mask for her student president duties.

As they traced Sayori's previous steps back to the club room Monika seemed to visibly relax beside her with every step. She spoke up after a few quiet seconds, her voice carefree. "How's your day so far?"

Sayori hummed thoughtfully. "Alright, I guess. Although I had a horrible realisation that I have no idea how to do vectors."

"In maths?" When Sayori nodded Monika seemed to perk up, her eyes sparkling. "Oh! I'm good at those!"

_Of course you are, you're perfect._

But was anyone ever truly perfect? Sayori doubted that, but the girl walking beside her seemed as close anyone could possibly achieve.

"Sayo?"

"H-Huh?"

"I, uh...I said I could help you with them. If you want."

"Oh, right! Sorry I must have zoned out," a nervous laugh bubbled from her belly as she spoke. _Dammit, way to ruin things again._ "Y-Yeah! I'd appreciate that."

"Mine or yours?"

"What?"

"Well you live closer to the school, yeah?" Sayori nodded stiffly, a slight panic rising in her throat. Her room was in no state for Monika to see anytime soon. "Are you busy today?" She then shook her head fairly reluctantly, which earned her another heart warming smile. "Great! Let's do it."

Raised voices radiated through the door of the literature club room as the two approached, distracting Sayori from the little issue that had just manifested itself into her present life. Natsuki and Yuri were once again deep in another one of their routine heated discussions, apparently. Just as Sayori reached for the door handle she felt a gentle hand grip her fingers, halting her. Surprised, she blinked up at Monika, who was smirking mischievously, an index finger held up against her lips. Then she leaned against the door, her ear against the wood.

_Oh, right._

"Okay but, like, how?" Natsuki's voice, snappy and clearly irritated. Sayori quickly joined Monika's lead, the cool wood soothing her gradually heating cheeks as she realised their faces were mere inches apart. Really not the time to be thinking about that.

Yuri's reply was stuttered, but passionate. "B-Because! Fish is still animal flesh, yes?"

"It's not the same! Meat is flesh from mammals!" 

"So you mean to tell me poultry and reptiles lack 'meat'?"

"I-I...Ugh!" Natsuki seemed to hush for a moment, before her voice picked up once more. "Okay but when you say _'I'm gonna go get some meat from the fridge'_ would you ever think that's fish? No!"

"I suppose you would likewise think the same towards, say, crocodile, for example?"

"W-Well...Fish live in water."

"Really? That is your final argument?"

Monika rolled her eyes at Sayori, encouraging her to giggle a little. Their friend's 'discussions', as the two insisted they were, were always so intense yet interesting to listen to. They were polar opposites in the majority of aspects.

Sometimes, however, that seemed to work in their favour.

Monika sighed theatrically. "Okay, let's put them out of their misery."

"Yeah, but I'm leaving you to diffuse this one." Airily, Monika swung the club room door open and breezed into the room with a bright smile alighting her expression. Sayori couldn't help but smile fondly herself, her adoration for the girl flaring.

"Guys! Tell her I'm right!" Natsuki grumbled from where she remained slouched in her chair, her arms crossed tightly across her slender chest. 

Feigning ignorance, Monika peered between the two girls who tensely sat a couple of desks apart and were refusing to look at one another, instead inclining their heads to the ground. "What's the disagreement now?" She winked slyly at Sayori who was slipping into the vacant seat separating her friends.

"Whether or not fish is a meat," Yuri spoke up.

"Uh, well, from my research and veggie perspective I will say that although fish isn't technically classed as a genuine meat-" At that Natsuki delightfully squealed in triumph, her fists punching the air above her pink head of hair. "-It is understood why it is called as such. Baring in mind it comes from an animal."

Seemingly pleased with her victory, Natsuki grinned proudly to herself. "So does milk." 

Yuri frowned. "Do _not_ start that."


	4. "GB Eating GB While Listening to GB"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the next two months updates may be a little slow with exams starting in two weeks! And I'd really like to pass this year to get onto the course's next year, haha! But I'll do my best, writing is my main stress relief so I should get a fair bit done during breaks (and procrastination time, oops).

_Come on, Sayori, deep breaths. In, out, in, out. Stop fretting so much._

It surely wasn't  _that_  big of a deal for Monika to come over. She'd been there before, but never while Sayori had been so blatantly aware of her flaring crush towards her. Still, that hardly justified how quick her heart was pounding as they walked side by side along the winding streets leading to her parent's house. 

_Gosh, if Monika noticed that..._

Sayori risked a sideways glance across at her, her stomach fluttering as she took in her appearance. The late Summer breeze had ruffled her lengthy hair lightly, the apples of her cheeks tinted a dusty pink. She hastily averted her eyes as Monika met them, embarrassment flooding her conscious. Fortunately, she only smiled in response. "So, what exactly are you struggling with?"

"I, uh..." _So many freaking things,_  she thought with a frown. "Wha-?"

"Vectors, Sayo!"

"O-Oh! Yeah!" She giggled nervously, a dusty heat spreading across her cheeks. Trust Monika to be nothing but straight to the point about all of this. "I really don't know. I just can't wrap my head around them to be honest."

Humming thoughtfully, the girl shrugged and spoke up. "We'll figure it out. Anything else you want help with?"

_No. You're being a burden to her already. Don't tell her that you don't understand half of this year's content. She'll think you're stupid. Dumb. Worthless._

"Nope!"

Seemingly satisfied, Monika dropped the subject with a pretty smile. Just in time, thankfully, as Sayori took an abrupt detour from the pavement to wander down a short, pebbled walkway leading to her parent's house. It was a fairly nice home, she thought. Spacious, yet cozy and fairly modern.

If only her parents didn't make the atmosphere so freaking depressing half of the time.

Huffing, she slipped her key into the lock and pushed open the front door with a soft _click_. The lack of familiar cars outside reassured her in a moment that they weren't home yet; at least that was one hurdle they wouldn't have to encounter for the time being. 

Sayori allowed Monika to breeze through the doorway and squeeze past her, mumbling for her to make her way into the kitchen. Despite the slightly confused look, fortunately Monika didn't question her. After all, the bedroom was in absolutely no state for a guest.

No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't muster up enough energy to tidy it.

Hesitantly, Sayori followed her friend along the narrow strip of hallway to the open kitchen area where a fairly large mahogany dining table stood unscathed. Monika carefully placed her school bag onto the table top and began to rummage around through the contents. 

"I forgot how...uh...religious your family were," Monika muttered as her eyes scanned the Christian decor strewn along the walls. With a frown Sayori turned her back and reached into the bread bin in search of a snack.

"Tell me about it," she sighed, retrieving the last two remaining slices of fluffy bread and dropping them lazily into the toaster. When she twirled back Monika had lain out a few of her colourful notepads and a textbook, fineliners waiting patiently beside them. Monika always made an effort to ensure her notes were appealing and presentable, unlike Sayori's black, boring scribbles.

She took a seat beside Monika, the wooden chair scraping as she did so. "So, what's that?" She asked, pointing to a little arrow above two capital letters. 

"That means the direction they're moving," Monika replied, flipping a switch inside Sayori's mind.

"Oh! That makes sense." Monika laughed quietly, pushing a little, blank notebook across the table to her. 

"Write anything you need to down. It'll help," she insisted, to which Sayori nodded and took a blue pen from the selection. "Okay, let's start with this."

After a few minutes of working through a couple of easier questions and making a fair  bit of progress, Sayori suddenly halted. _Crap_ , she could smell burning. In an instant she jumped up from her seat and pressed the little 'cancel' button on the toaster. Stomach dropping, she reached into the device to pull out one of the black, withered pieces of toast. A thin line of smoke trailed into the air as she stared at the failure numbly.

_You can't even make freaking toast right, you useless idiot._

Her grip on the charred piece of bread weakened and it fell with a crispy crack to the counter top.

And then all of a sudden the tears came. Choking sobs erupted violently from her, entirely shattering the fragile wall she'd spent so much time and effort perfecting into tiny shards. And all over freaking burnt toast.

Okay, even her tortured mind could admit that was perhaps an over exaggeration. She had been fighting back tears for weeks on end and that had just...broke her. Completely and utterly. 

"Sayori?"

 _Oh, Gosh_ , she had barely remembered Monika was there. She would hate her, laugh at her, call her a child for crying so foolishly. Those escalating thoughts only encouraged her to cry harder, tears beginning to collect rapidly onto the marble counter top in little droplets. In a desperate attempt to prevent them she covered her face with her hands, sobbing into her palms.

To her surprise she felt gentle fingertips rest atop her shoulders, spinning her slowly around. She felt Monika's worried gaze on her but she just couldn't bring herself to lower her hands to look her friend in those lovely, soft eyes. The shame she felt was just too overbearing and she didn't want to witness the disgust.

She expected her to bolt. To call her pathetic and leave. But she didn't. Monika carefully enveloped her with her arms, drawing her into a timid hug. Sayori sniffled as she fought back the crushing sobs and allowed her head to burrow into the taller girl's neck, the security it brought a welcome relief from the pain.

"You can cry, Sayo," she murmured, her hands stroking up and down her back. That was all it took for her to break again, her tears soaking Monika's collar as she cried and cried. Guilt crept into the forefront of her mind, only enhancing the overwhelming distress.

She hardly knew what she even cried for anymore. Everything just constantly  _hurt_. No explanation, no improvements. Just a dense weight of pain with brief moments of comfort that escaped through the cracks when she wasn't feeling absolutely nothing. 

Once she calmed enough to hear herself think, which wasn't necessarily a good thing, she felt Monika loosen her grip before stepping back a little, her gaze scanning Sayori's tear-stained face. "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

"No! Not at all!" Sayori hiccuped, her throat strained and weak from the crying. "I'm just...really struggling."

_She doesn't care. Stop bothering her._

"With what?" She sounded so concerned. So sympathetic. Sayori didn't deserve that, _she didn't_. Instead of offering her a solid answer she only shook her head, averting her eyes. "Please, Sayo. I want to help."

_You can't._

"I-I just..." 

 _Don't tell her. She doesn't give a shit. She'll make fun of you for being so Goddamn weak._ _She'll see you for who you really are. You're broken, pathetic, disgusting, weak, pitiful-_

"Shut up!" In a panic, Sayori gripped her head violently in a desperate attempt to squash the stream of condescending voices. "I can't get them to stop!" she wailed, her shaking muscles finally buckling underneath her. The tiles of the kitchen floor felt cold and harsh against her bare legs as she fell to her knees with a dull thud.

_Get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head  get out of my head get out-_

All of a sudden the voices stopped.

Taking an unsteady breath Sayori lowered her hands from her face, her eyes darting up to find a rather anxious Monika kneeling in front of her. Her hands were gripping Sayori's shoulders somewhat cautiously, perhaps afraid she would shatter if she held her too tightly. 

Monika's touch had temporarily hushed her racing mind.

"What won't stop?" She asked gently as Sayori worked to calm her breathing once more. Much to her surprise she still didn't seem put off by her outburst. Only genuine concern laced her words.

_It's an act it's an act it's an act it's an act it's an act it's an act it's an act-_

"T-The voices," Sayori whispered, suddenly realising she was visibly trembling. "I can't do this anymore, Monika."

"Wha...What do you mean?"

"I can't live with this fucking depression much longer!" _Gosh_ her mother would have scolded her for that language if she heard, but that was the very last thing on her mind in that moment. She screwed her eyes shut, her throat closing as she spoke. "I really, really can't."

Tender arms wove around her shoulders again, squeezing her carefully. The solace Monika's hugs brought was simply delightful, but the pain of knowing her kindness was purely out of pity tainted the sweet moment. She took an unsteady breath, forcing herself to calm down. For Monika's sake rather than her own. "Sayo, I...I honestly had no idea you were suffering. You hide it so well."

"Practice," she choked out into the girl's chest, the tears threatening to fall again. "I'm sorry I-"

In an instant Monika shushed her, her fingers moving to stroke Sayori's hair serenely. "Don't apologise, silly," she teased halfheartedly, a little sigh escaping her as she did so. "This isn't your fault."

_Yes it is. Yes it is. You're contaminated, it's all you._

"You shouldn't have to see me like this."

"No, I believe this is exactly how I needed to see you. Now I know. And I can at least attempt to offer some sort of help." As her sobbing gradually softened into quiet sniffling, Sayori clung to Monika pathetically for reassurance. "You shouldn't be alone in this."

The crying had helped. She felt less...stuffed up after allowing herself to break down so completely. But now she was left with the consequences of that; a dull headache eating its way along her forehead, a puffy, red face and her crush who would absolutely never return her feelings after witnessing her at her very worst like that.

Yet she felt too numb to really care in that moment. She would later, but it just didn't matter to her now.

"How come you never talked about this?" Monika asked mindfully. If Sayori wasn't so damn hopeful she would assume the girl actually sounded a little sad, but she played that off as her own foolish longing.

"I just didn't want to bother anyone."

"Sayori!" Seemingly wounded, Monika scolded her lightly. "You would never bother any of us with your issues. You bring so much light to our little group, it's only right we repay you accordingly."

"I don't want the others to know," she murmured decidedly. That would be too much to cope with and she really wasn't mentally prepared for their pity. "Not yet."

Besides, she didn't want them to treat her any differently than they did. The last thing she wanted was them to tiptoe around her, that would only escalate the problem.

With sweet compassion the girl offered her a small, kind smile as she leaned back against the wooden cabinet. "I respect that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughh I'm struggling a little with my writing style lately, it keeps fluctuating and is barely consistent.
> 
> So the song that inspired this chapter (and a lot of my writing) is by Crywank who I got to see and meet on Monday! He's such a sweetie! <3


	5. "Something Good Tonight Made Me Forget About You For Now"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me ages to write, I'm sorry! The proof-reading took longer than actually writing this up, I keep feeling like some parts just aren't up to standard.

Sayori was crying again.

She had genuinely doubted it was even possible after her breakdown the previous day had bled her bone dry; yet it seemed she had a lot to spare, evident by her tear soaked pillowcase.

Drained was possibly the most accurate word to describe how she currently felt as she lay curled into a tight ball on her linen bedsheets. Despite the late hour she still wore her ill-fitting school uniform, which was gradually becoming more creased the longer she wore it.

Her day had started alright. After lazily lying around for an hour and a half she had finally mustered enough energy to roll out of bed at half past nine, well aware she should have been far into her first period of the day by then. But that didn't matter as she'd shrugged on her uniform and left the house, her parents already long departed for work.

They didn't suspect a single thing.

And they never would if she just kept smiling for them.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

School had dragged on fairly slowly, as it often did. Just subject after subject, more and more work being piled onto her with each lesson. More facts to forget, more equations darting straight over her head. It was tiresome, really.

The main trouble had started once she'd arrived at home.

Her phone buzzing from the bedside table thrust her back into the real world. With heavy eyelids she blinked at it resting there just beside her head. It seemed like far too much effort to reach up and grab, however, so she left it. All alone with her dim little lamp for company.

She'd learnt not to get her hopes up too much when a message came through. Only occasionally it was the one person she was dying to talk to. And, even then, it was often only in the club's group chat.

Anyway, her time at the literature club had been a calming comfort from high school life, at least. It remained one of the limited periods that brought a little light to her days. In addition, she was immensely grateful that Monika hadn't been treating her much differently than she previously had before her foolish breakdown, only checking up on her more regularly. And although that stung slightly she had to admit it did feel good; in a dark, twisted, selfish way. 

Her phone buzzed once more. Perhaps it was actually worth checking? Taking a deep breath she leaned over with aching muscles to grab the mobile and bring it back with her to the comfort of her bed. She sniffled quietly and unlocked it.

As she wiped the tears clouding her vision away her heart swelled at the sight of the two new messages lighting up the dark room surrounding her.

 

_Old Message(s):_

_7:21am: Monika - Good morning! Remember to take your meds x_

_7:58am: Sayori - Thank you! All done_

_**(2) New Message(s):** _

_10:11pm: Monika - Heya, are you feeling okay?_

_10:22pm: Monika - You awake, Sayo?_

 

_Whywhywhy did you ignore that first message? Now she's gonna assume you don't want to talk to her ohmygod Sayori, you're freaking useless._

Old news.

Quickly, she typed out a reply, desperately hoping Monika wasn't too irritated at her lack of response. That was the very last thing she needed.

 

_10:23pm: Sayori - Haha yeah! Sorry I didn't hear the first message come through. I'm okay, wbu?_

 

She huffed quiet breath through her nose. Two lies in one message. _Nice way to build the trust, idiot._

 

_10:24pm: Monika - I'm good! You seem down, are you sure you're okay?_

 

Sayori hesitated. She was about to automatically type another dismissive message, ensuring Monika didn't have to worry but...Maybe, just maybe, she could try and be honest. For once. It wasn't exactly as though Monika wasn't aware of her problem. And if she was asking that meant she wanted to know...right?

But first she had to at least wait a couple of minutes. She certainly didn't want to seem too clingy by replying immediately. That'd make her look like such a loser, having nothing better to do than just stare at her phone and waiting for someone to chat to.

Well, she thought that until she caught sight of the timing of Monika's messages.

 

_10:26pm: Sayori - Uhh not really, haha._

 

Regret settled in the moment she pressed send. _Oh Gosh_ why did she say that. There was absolutely no need to bother Monika with her pathetic feelings anymore than she already had, she shouldn't have brought her down like that.

She was only annoying her with her problems. 

Monika deserved better. Everyone deserved better.

She just wanted to curl up into a tight ball of self loathing and wither away.

 

_10:27pm: Monika - What's up?_

_10:28pm: Sayori - Just parents. I can't sleep._

_10:29pm: Monika - I'm gonna come get you, we're going for a drive!_

_10:29pm: Sayori - Wait, what? Are you serious?_

 

Why did that thought make her heart race? Excitement flooded her veins, her entire body tingling with delight. 

Wow. She was actually feeling something pleasant.

But after a moment of bliss the dread settled in, snaking its way into her conscious to suffocate those happy thoughts that she kept reminding herself to think. If she was serious, Monika would be there soon. Perhaps less than five minutes.

All of a sudden Sayori realised she was in absolutely no state to see the one girl she longed to impress more than anything. Her short hair was left greasy and unbrushed, her face red and puffy from crying and she still wore her school uniform that was wrinkled and unbuttoned. She had been too tired to change when she'd gotten home.

And she couldn't remember if she'd even showered today.

Sayori latched onto a loose scrap of energy to jump from the comfort of her duvet. She padded across the filthy floor, avoiding the clothes and loose trash littering the wooden boards beneath her feet.

She checked her phone. No reply from Monika. She must have been serious then. Little Miss School President was much too responsible to use her phone while driving, Sayori knew.

Grabbing a pair of jeans from the haphazard pile of dirty laundry she slipped out of her skirt and into the light denim, fumbling with the button as she stood in front of the mirror. She eyed herself cautiously as she shrugged her blazer off and pulled her white and brown school shirts over her head. Dry shampoo would have to suffice for her hair.

For the eighth day in a row.

Sighing, Sayori buttoned up a loose, red flannel. Not something she would have chosen, but it was the first shirt she'd found in her discarded pile of over-due washing. It had no noticeable stains visible, at the very least. She leaned close to the mirror and hastily finger-combed her short, fluffy hair into something that looked fairly presentable as the dry shampoo worked its magic on the grease. 

A little buzz from her back pocket alerted her in an instant. A message from Monika letting her know she was waiting outside. 

As she trot down the stairs Sayori quickly sprayed some cheap deodorant onto her clothing in a last ditch attempt to appear prepared for this whole event before she slipped out of the door. Hopefully quiet enough to be unheard.

A bitter chill diffused through the light fabric of her clothes, nipping at her skin. A car hummed away in the driveway, its engine quietly running and lights remaining on as it stood stationary. A shadowed figure sat in the drivers seat, the weight of their eyes heavy on her shoulders as she scurried to the passenger's side.

The warm interior of the car comforted her in an instant. Sayori sighed, relieved, as she buckled herself in. Monika shot her a pretty, if seemingly tired, smile before she pulled away from the pavement.

They drove slowly. A serene, knowing silence stretching between the two of them. Sayori clenched and relaxed her fists rhythmically as she awkwardly worked her jaw, unsure of where exactly to start. 

"T-Thank you for this," she said with genuine sincerity. Smiling, Monika merely shook her head with a loose shrug.

"Don't mention it! I couldn't sleep either." 

Their neighborhood passed by in a gentle stream, the residential streets slowly thinning into the bustling city that lay on their doorstep. Sayori hummed thoughtfully as she watched the neon lighting of shops and billboard signs brighten the obscure darkness of the night. "Any reason?"

"Nothing important. Just a lot on my mind," she replied cryptically. _Hopefully nothing about me,_ Sayori thought with a frown. The last thing she wanted was Monika to stay awake needlessly worrying about her.

She was fine.

"Want to talk about it?"

She shook her head once more. "No, it's alright! This drive is to cheer us up, not bring us down."

_I don't want that I don't want that I don't want that-_

"Okay!" she replied brightly, forcing herself to relax into the comfy leather seats. "Where're we going?"

Monika flashed her teeth prettily and reached across the enclosed space inside of the car to flip the music on with quick, precise movements. "We'll have to see."

The music surrounded them in an instant, peaceful and gentle. It seemed to have the perfect calming effect, soothing the atmosphere as the car steadily rolled along the expanse of roads. Given the late hour there were only a few other cars joining them amid the fluorescent glow of the city as the majority of people slept soundly in their apartments and houses. Two of those were perhaps Yuri and Natsuki, she suddenly realised. That was a strange thought, somehow. Almost as if her and Monika were sharing a hidden secret that the other girls couldn't know.

She huffed quietly, her forehead resting against the window unconsciously. "The night is so pretty," she mumbled, barely registering that she'd spoke until she heard a slight chuckle from her friend.

"I agree," Monika replied with a quiet sigh, "But it's even nicer in the countryside." She paused for a moment, her fingers drumming casually against the steering wheel. "Want to go see?"

"Yeah!" Perking up, Sayori's battered heart fluttered as Monika sent her a soft smile, her breath hitching as the sugary sweetness of it bore into her very core.

"Anything you wish!" 

They drove for an undisclosed amount of time. Countless songs played, the streets gradually became emptier and the shops and houses flew by until no more were in sight. Only hundreds of acres of fields and their one, long road slicing through the grass.

The countryside. Void of any light and noise pollution and lacking in residents. The perfect place to just...relax. Away from the constant stresses of life that loomed over her head like some breed of clingy poltergeist, that is. Even the slightly irrational fear of a murderer lurking in the bushes didn't seem so unpleasant any longer.

But truthfully that might have had something to do with the depression more than anything else.

After a few more minutes Monika turned down a bumpy, narrow side road. Well, Sayori wasn't even sure it _was_ a road. Just a break in a hedge that lead down a rough dirt path where the grass had thinned out. Another minute passed with only the headlights illuminating a small expanse of the path, the rest of the field plunged into a deep darkness.

Anything could be hiding out there, just out of arm's reach. Instead of being afraid of that particular notion, Sayori found herself comforted by it. Besides, she trusted Monika not to place her in harm's way. That trust didn't dare waver now.

So, instead, she found herself enjoying their mini adventure through the crack in a random field. It took another minute or so of driving until Monika, seemingly satisfied, allowed her car to roll gradually to a halt.

"Look," she said with sated enthusiasm as she pointed to the vast range of sky towering above them. Tiny, white flecks illuminated the ebony darkness of the night, brightened only by their rhythmic flickering. Those stars were then highlighted by a beautiful, dusty violet slice, it's vibrant colour igniting a warm spark within Sayori's chest.

A few dusty clouds chugged along, too; they obscured the scene with their dense, yet fluffy, properties but...it was comforting to see. If anything it proved that what they were witnessing was a true occurrence and not just a photo shopped photograph or drawing.

Besides, those little rainclouds came and went for everyone, didn't they?

"It's so pretty," she murmured, her eyes plastered to the skyline. Sighing peacefully, she reluctantly broke her gaze away to peer across at her friend. But to her surprise and admittedly confusion she found Monika already smiling gently across the enclosed space, her eyes soft and her whole body perfectly tranquil.

"Yeah, it is," she replied in a hushed, dreamy voice. And yet she didn't once look towards the scene before them as she spoke.

_Why is the atmosphere suddenly so thick...?_

Sayori's pulse quickened in an instant as her starved mind raced to the dumbest possible conclusions. Frowning, she forced herself to avert her eyes and she instantaneously deflected to the closest thing to distract herself, which happened to be her hands. She found herself watching intently as she clenched and relaxed them both a few times.  _Stop overthinking everything. She pities you, nothing more._

"Do you mind if we start driving again?" She felt silly asking such an awkward question; however the driving seemed to aid in calming her throbbing heartbeat while lulling the continuous barrage of malicious thoughts. 

Thankfully Monika only smiled ever wider while nodding in keen acceptance. Without hesitating she shocked the vehicle to life, the engine purring smoothly as she did so. "Of course!"

They turned, returning to the their previous route down the pathway of broken grass. Sayori very nearly giggled to herself as that crossed her mind, thinking it sounded a little like a name for a song, but she was soon interrupted. "So...Do you want to talk about what happened with your parents?" Monika asked, her fingers trailing slowly down the dark leather of the steering wheel. A nervous habit of hers, perhaps?

Swallowing thickly and encouraging herself to smile, Sayori shifted her weight in her seat and attempted to stutter out a coherent response. "U-Uh, they just got mad at me. But it was justified, don't worry!"

In all honesty she wasn't even sure why she was so upset over the whole situation. She had brought this all onto herself, if only she'd just listened...

"Why were they mad?"

"I, um..." Despite the dread creeping into her thoughts she forced herself to be honest with her friend, well aware she would only insist on knowing either way. Opening up a little proved particularly easier this late at night, with only the quiet glow of the streetlamps breaking the comforting darkness surrounding them as they drove. Romantic was probably the best way to describe the scene panning before them, but that really wasn't something Sayori wanted to think about with Monika. That was too much torture. "I haven't cleaned my room in months," she muttered, embarrassed. "They just finally lost their patience with me."

"Oh," Monika exhaled quietly, seemingly relieved. Sayori hardly blamed her, her situation could have been far worse if her parents weren't as accepting as they were. _Gosh_ , she was so selfish for ever believing she could be upset over something so trivial. At least she had a stable family who wouldn't dare to harm her. Others weren't so lucky.

_Stop taking your life for granted. You have no reason to be depressed. Just cheer up._

"Do they know you're struggling?" Monika's voice, soothing and sweet, broke through the ever increasing bombardment of recurring thoughts. Much to Sayori's delight.

She slouched in the passenger seat, her fingers fiddling with a fraying thread on the leather. "Nope. I've tried to keep it pretty hidden."

"Surely they must have known something was wrong?"

"Nope," she repeated with a quiet sigh. 

"Perhaps you should tell them? They'd understand."

No, that was too much. Monika knowing was bad enough, adding her parents would only mean increasing her burden to the world. There was no need for them all to waste their energy on sympathy for her pathetic feelings. Instead of offering an answer Sayori only shook her head once, to which Monika thankfully accepted as a good enough response.

"That's alright," she reassured her, "Don't force yourself to." After staying silent for a brief second Monika spoke up again, her eyes breaking away from the country road to land upon Sayori with a bright smile as she did so. "Maybe I can help?"

"H-Huh?"

"I'd be happy to come over and clean your room with you," she stated brightly, clearly impressed by the budding idea. Sayori, however, only stared numbly across the small expanse of space at her. Although the idea sounded tempting, the thought of Monika using up her limited time and effort to assist with something so pitiful that Sayori _should_ be able to achieve herself...that stung. She didn't deserve that, she wasn't good enough for that.

Besides, the state her room was in was incredibly embarrassing. No one needed to see that.

"I...I don't-"

"Please don't try to convince me otherwise, Sayo," Monika interrupted in an instant. "I want to do this. Honestly"

Unconvinced, Sayori hummed dejectedly. The conflicting emotions flitting through her mind were just...tiring. She didn't want to feel so sad about everything anymore. Stuck in a rut of wanting help and yet refusing to accept any left her confused and lost.

Latching onto a thread of determination, Sayori chose to reluctantly accept her friend's offer. "Fine. T-Thank you, Moni."

"It's not a problem," she insisted with a genuine smile, which Sayori forced herself to return tautly. "We're nearing the city again. When should I take you home?"

"I, uh, I don't really want to go back there tonight," she admitted quietly, feeling foolish for being so down over this tiny little situation. 

"You can stay at mine."

For some reason or another Sayori hadn't exactly put two and two together when she'd announced her decision, leaving Monika's offer a little surprising. It felt...nice to hear, though. "Are you sure?" _...I don't want to be a burden._

"I'm certain!"

"Um," Sayori stuttered fairly hesitantly, "Okay. If you're sure." 

The streets thinned further as they drove, the street lamps gradually becoming more and more spaced out as the bustling city returned to view. It lit up the skyline in a beautiful yet saddening scene, the pollution of the light cutting off the enticing allure of the countryside. Sayori rest her head against the car window as she watched the fluffy bushes and trees fade once more into shops and traffic lights with heavy lidded eyes.

The quiet serenity of the country had passed. Although the city was still fairly hushed at night compared to the daytime, that buzzing atmosphere remained.

"Can I ask you something?"

Sayori's heart fluttered at the words, an air of panic settling in as she sat up to look at Monika. _Gosh_ , she really hated that phrase. "Sure!"

"Do you believe in a God?"

 _Oh, okay._ Humming thoughtfully, Sayori relaxed back into the seat, the worry subsiding. "I-I mean I was brought up to believe in one," she started slowly, her fingers tracing lines along the dashboard. "But I'm not convinced. What God would cause me all this hurt?"

Monika laughed quietly, nodding as she did so. "They never specified they had to be a fairdeity."

Sayori found herself giggling quietly, a calming atmosphere lingering in the air. "That's true. Do you believe in one?"

"I don't think so," she replied gently, "And if I did I wouldn't support them for the suffering they bring to so many people." 

What a peculiar conversation topic, Sayori thought. She supposed that the night time often instilled a sort of peace for deeper, meaningful talks like this one. "Why do you ask?"

"Just...curious, is all. With your family as religious as they are I was wondering if it had rubbed off onto you. Personally I don't really believe a totally omniscient being is a plausible theory."

"You sound like Yuri," Sayori giggled once more, relieved as an air of relaxation settled between them.

"Well, I'm honoured," Monika flashed her a charming smile, "She's certainly something special."

That was true. So why did those words sting so much?

Sayori wasn't anything special. Not like her friends were.

She swallowed thickly and stuttered out a reply in a desperate attempt to distract herself. "I-I agree. But I also know where you're coming from. With the omniscient thing, that is."

"Surely no one can possibly know what every single person on Earth is doing at each moment? What would one even do with that expanse of knowledge?"

"It would drive anyone to insanity," Sayori muttered. She pondered that definition for a moment, recalling what she had learnt in a recent psychology lesson.

_'Insanity is defined as a mental state where one cannot tell the difference between reality and their imagination.'_

Sayori blinked, her eyes plastered to the residential stores and houses slowly passing by outside of their little world. By that logic...wouldn't that make herself classed as medically insane? All of those intrusive thoughts...she had begun to personify them. Nurture them. She wasn't genuinely sure whether she imagined other people's hatred towards her, or whether those voices in her head were her own.

And that was a particularly frightening reality to battle with. 

A minute passed until Monika pulled into a spacious driveway, a large, modernized home stationed before them. It was nearly twice the size of Sayori's, and it looked like a cut out from Architects Today magazine; all sharp, geometric angles and windows the length of the walls. It was attractive in a pristine, modern way.

Monika parked the car leisurely, the wheels crunching against loose gravel as she did so. "You ready?"

Nodding, Sayori followed her friend's lead as she clicked the car door open and slid from the vehicle. She stretched her aching muscles as she padded along the pathway.

"This is such a lovely home," Sayori whispered as Monika clicked her door shut behind herself, to which the girl smiled brightly.

"I agree!" With graceful movements she shrugged her jacket off of her shoulders, slipping it off and draping it over a fancy coat rack. She wore a strappy, emerald tank top underneath the denim that clung to her figure delightfully alongside her black shorts; she had to pry her gaze away as they made their way up the tall, winding staircase to Monika's bedroom.

If Sayori had a shred of doubt about her sexuality before then she was absolutely void of any now. Her breath caught in her throat as Monika allowed her through the doorway, shutting it quietly behind her to ensure she didn't wake anyone else up.

Instead of gawking at her friend she decided to make herself comfortable as Monika fumbled with a makeup wipe at her desk. After slipping her own boots and jacket off Sayori hesitantly sat on the very edge of the soft mattress, her hands fidgeting impatiently in her lap. She felt gangly and awkward, as if she were a young fawn unsure of its own footing.

As she glanced up at her friend she accidentally met Monika's eyes in the mirror, her face heating in a fiery blush as she did so. "As much as I like this place, I can't wait to move out," she spoke as she returned her attention to removing the thin layer of makeup coating her face.

"W-H-How come?" Sayori questioned, foolishly falling over her sentence as she did so. 

She shrugged loosely, discarding the wipe as she did so, instead moving to click her little television on and the overhead light off. In one smooth movement she pulled the white bow from her hair, allowing the soft, auburn curls to flow around her shoulders beautifully. Sayori rarely saw her friend without her hair tied up, but she treasured those times that she did. It actually reminded her to remove her own small, red bow from her hair. "The freedom would be nice."

"That's true!" Monika had moved again. Remote in hand, she slipped under the duvet that Sayori was so carefully perched on the edge of. "W-When are you thinking?"

"Hopefully in the next month or so," she murmured. "There's not really anywhere else to sleep."

It took Sayori a good five seconds to realise Monika wasn't talking about moving out any longer. "Oh!" She exclaimed near silently, her chest throbbing as she laughed nervously. "That's alright."

Mechanically, Sayori moved to slip under the covers herself, her movements stiff and unsure. She suddenly felt incredibly clumsy, all twisted limbs and spindly joins as she settled awkwardly onto the fluffy mattress.

_Oh Gosh she's right there beside me. She's so close, I can practically feel her heartbeat. What if she can feel mine? It's surely fast enough to be felt. Oh Gosh._

Now was the time where she could ruin everything. Being in this close proximity to Monika meant one wrong move would have her shoved out of the door in under a second.

_Just stay still and focus on controlling your breathing. Surely it can't be that har- oh my Gosh her hand just brushed my shoulder I can't do this, I can't-_

"Are you tired?" Monika's voice once again shattered her skipping thoughts as she spoke gently, her eyes plastered to the television stationed at the foot of her bed as she scrolled through the various selection of channels. 

"Not really. I'd be down for watch something," she replied, immensely impressed at how steady her voice came out. A shocking parallel to her anxiety, she noticed. Monika hummed gently and settled for a rerun of a light comedy show. Something to brighten the damp mood, perhaps?

After a few peacefully quiet minutes had passed Monika exhaled audibly. In the dim light Sayori briefly caught her running a hand through the roots of her lengthy hair currently sprawling out around her on the mattress. "I hope I helped cheer you up a little today." 

Had she? Sayori desperately wanted to believe she had helped her, but...surely she just couldn't be helped. She was a splintering, withered shell of a girl who was long past her expiration date. And yet, all this continued kindness Monika had been giving her should have been enough to at least convince her that she enjoyed her company, but...she didn't believe it. 

She was selfish. So incredibly, foolishly selfish. As much as she hated herself for Monika wasting her energy on a lost cause, she hated herself even further for not appreciating the vast range of support she did receive. 

She wasn't strong enough to accept it. So all of Monika's effort went unnoticed.

A soft hand on her shoulder startled her, and as she peered across the pillows at Monika she soon realised her vision was clouded with tears. _How_ was she crying yet again? Surely she was bone dry by this point?

Swiping her cheek, she winced. Apparently not. The tears left little trails down her cheeks, a few stray ones soaking the fabric of the pillow beside her head.

"Oh, Sayori. C'mere," Monika murmured before enveloping her carefully into her arms. Her heart practically halted in her chest as the comforting feeling of Monika's embrace entirely engulfed her, dimming her rationality.

_She's just being nice. Don't overthink this like you always do._

Perhaps it would be alright to lose herself for just a moment.

Not that had much identity left, either way.

She sniffled quietly and allowed herself to unwind. The hug, although slightly awkward due to the angle, felt reassuring and warm. Her current vulnerability would come back to bite her later on as it always did, but she couldn't find it within herself to care just yet. 

"Do you feel any better than before?"

That was a particularly tough question to form a solid answer to. It was true that she no longer felt so incredibly saddened by the earlier events of the day; however the dense weight of the world still morphed her thoughts like a plague, leaving her feeling drained and weak. Feelings hurt, she noted. But she couldn't deny that a little sliver of sunlight had found it's way through a crack in the rainclouds. Maybe she had helped her a tad, after all. "Uh, maybe a little."

Monika quietly huffed air through her nose. "You're too good for this, Sayo," she murmured, her voice muffled and hushed against her hair. "This isn't fair."

Swallowing thickly, Sayori slowly shook her head. "I deserve it." She felt silly saying that. Opening up to Monika was a laborious chore; the fear that she'd bolt if she revealed the true state of her tortured mind was just too overbearing. Despite everything she already knew about her the fear of abandonment remained firm at the forefront of her thoughts.

_She shouldn't be worrying about someone as pathetic as you are._

"It's the last thing you deserve. You're so sweet and special. Trust me when I say your depression is completely unjust."

Sayori's battered heart fluttered, a pathetic spark of hope igniting amid the trepidation. "I..." her words caught in her throat, choking her with thick fists. "I don't know if I can."

"I won't lie to you," she replied sincerely, her voice soothing and gentle. The chattering taunts at the base of her thoughts once again spoke up, cackling to themselves.

_That's a blatant lie. She merely pities you, nothing more. She'll lie to you and manipulate you and you'll just let her. Because you're weak and pliable and easy to screw with._

Inhaling sharply, Sayori screwed her eyes shut in a desperate attempt to squash those intruding voices. "I want to believe you, Moni," she insisted as another lonely tear trailed down her cheek to pool at her chin, "Honestly, I do. But it's just so hard."

She felt Monika work her jaw atop her head, seemingly attempting to form a suitable sentence. After a moment of silence she spoke. "Although I don't fully understand all of this that you're going through I'm willing to learn how I could try and help you," she finally sighed, relaxing once more in her arms. She was so, incredibly thoughtful, so pure and sweet. Sayori should have been delighted at that kind promise, she had always expected to feel so complete after hearing statements such as that from her long term crush.

But the rainclouds continued to linger.

Why did she still feel so empty?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I want to be clear on something: I'm not going to make this into a "love fixes depression" story, as that just doesn't happen. It kinda has that feel to it right now but I assure you all that Sayori's depression won't improve by just having someone, it's more what that person does to help her that will have an effect. But, as we know, even then that won't be a huge effect, just some comfort in dark times.  
> Also thank you to everyone's continued support! <3


	6. "Flaws"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been very very busy and very very stressed lately and I have 0 time or energy for writing with exams finishing and now working full time! So I really needed that writing hiatus, but I'm back!
> 
> Shoutout to my girl rosyastronaut who's helped me get my motivation in check, beta-ed this chapter (fixed a lot of grammar mistakes ty) and inspired a few upcoming scenes! ((Go read her fic too it's rly good)).

A sharp, loud knock on the door shocked Sayori awake with a start.

A solid, warm pressure was nestled between her arms, her head resting against the gentle slope of a back.

 _Oh._  That was Monika.

In an instant, Sayori flinched back from the girl who was stirring sleepily under the sheets beside her. Heart racing, Sayori blinked across the duvet at her as she rolled over to face the ceiling with heavy eyes and a sweet smile.

She was _so_ incredibly pretty, Sayori thought, even with her messy bed hair and wrinkled clothing. But as she eyed her, she suddenly became very aware of how close they'd been sleeping last night.

"Monika?" A female voice, light but stern, radiated through the walls. Then the door shifted with a soft click, swinging open to spill bright light into the room. "Are you awa- _Oh_!"

Panic bubbled in Sayori's belly, her heart leaping into her throat as she swallowed thickly around the dense ball of nerves. Monika, however, only laughed and reached for the nearest possible projectile. A pillow, in this case, which she launched across the room at the girl in the doorway. It hit her with pristine accuracy, encouraging more laughter.

"Get out, sis! I'm up!"

"Yeah yeah, I'll leave you two to it!" Monika flipped her off lazily as she clicked the door shut once more.

Nausea continued to eat away at Sayori's stomach, her chest tight. As she rubbed her eyes, Monika peered at her across the bed with a soft smile, which faded instantly once she noticed her growing panic. "What's wrong?"

"Just...She saw us and thought..."

"Don't worry, she was just messing around," she reassured gently, her pretty smile returning. "Besides, my family know I'm gay, so it's not exactly like it would be a surprise."

Of course. Monika had probably never felt forced to hide her true self out of fear.  "O-Oh. Right, yeah."

"You don't seem convinced."

"No it's just...my family. I don't even know if they'd accept me if I came out," Sayori sighed, staring wistfully at the plain ceiling above their heads. A short pause thickened the atmosphere until Monika shattered the calm silence.

"You're gay, too?"

"Huh?" She suddenly seemed to register precisely what she'd said only moments before, the shock settling in with a deep blush. "Oh! I, uh, I don't really know, if I'm honest. Maybe?" No, she was fairly certain of her answer. But to avoid backing herself into an awkward situation she decided to play it dumb and tiptoe around the question instead.

No need to add to the already stressful situation, after all.

Humming thoughtfully, Monika pushed the thick blanket from her legs and leapt out of the bed. She stretched delightfully with a soft mewl and trotted over to the thin curtains that were gently swaying in the breeze. They opened with a sharp hiss, allowing thick streams of early morning sunlight into the bedroom.

In the harsh light of the morning it suddenly seemed incredibly strange for Sayori to be there, at Monika's. She and Monika were friends, sure, but they weren't necessarily that close. Monika likely had a ton of other, better friends in comparison to herself that she'd much rather be spending this wasted time with.

So...why had she been sleeping in her bed? Why had she been cuddled so close to her for half of the night?

Well, maybe that was an easy answer. She should have really asked herself _'Why had I let myself cuddle into her for half of the night?'._

Although, as she lazily pushed the covers off of her tired body she immediately realised just how well she had slept. That had possibly been the soundest rest she had experienced in many years; perhaps it was the comforting warmth of her friend or the softer mattress or a jumbled combination of the both. But she didn't complain, only smiled in hushed satisfaction as she stretched her aching muscles leisurely.

"Crap!" Sayori glanced up at her friend in slight confusion as Monika hissed sharply, finding her frowning down at her phone resting within her palm. "My phone died. We might be a bit late to school."

No alarm had woken them up. Sure, Sayori rarely made it into school on time, so that particular news barely bothered her, but it was a whole different matter for Monika. She prided herself on perfect punctuality and one hundred percent attendance. And she wouldn't take a flaw in that lightly.

"C'mon, we can make it!"

"In half an hour?" Monika's frown wavered a little, her emerald eyes brightening. "Well, we can try! Here." A neatly folded uniform landed with a thump beside her. "Use the shower first, I'll go after."

With an encouraging smile, Sayori leapt up from the bed and trotted out of the room, the remnants of any dull mood entirely wiped away as the aim to cheer Monika up faded into the forefront of her mind.

Funny how that worked sometimes.  


 

* * *

  
  
"Why the heck did you ask me to shower first?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But I'm heavily regretting it now."

As Monika's car swept through the busy residential streets, the two found themselves giggling with each other. They had a mere five minutes before the first bell would ring and they were running behind, all thanks to their unstructured morning routine, which had left Monika rushing with her hair and makeup before they could leave.

"Think we can make it?" Sayori asked breathlessly as she chewed a breakfast bar that they had grabbed as a last minute food plan.

Shrugging, Monika crumpled up the packet of her own bar and flung it behind her onto the back seat. "We should if the traffic stays clear and we run...I think."

She was grinning. Despite the stressful situation Monika was actually relaxed, allowing herself to enjoy their challenge instead of letting the anxiety gnaw away at her reasoning.

And for that, Sayori felt genuinely proud. Not just of Monika, but of herself for successfully unhinging that rarely released side of her friend.

They were nearing the school with every passing moment, the streets thickening with students the closer they drove. As they caught the tail end of a red streetlight Monika groaned impatiently, yet the sound held a hint of playfulness. "Well, this is annoying."

"Agreed," Sayori nodded, taking the short time to regain her breath. "Um, thank you by the way. For letting me stay last night."

"Don't worry about it. I'm here for you." Monika's fingers halted their rhythmic drumming against the steering wheel. Her smile softened for a quiet moment. "I just hope it helped you a little."

"Yeah," she murmured quietly. "A little."

She would never truly be able to express in words just how much Monika had actually distracted her from her awful mind that night.

The moment the amber light flicked on, Monika perked up and sped away from her resting spot, the giddy atmosphere returning. "I think we're gonna make it!"

Sayori laughed, her mood lightening once more. "I hope so. The ' _Perfect Student President_ ' can't flaw her reputation, after all."

_Wow, way to be blindingly obvious about this crush, Sayo._

Thankfully, Monika didn't seem to think twice about the statement. They pulled into the carpark outside of the school building after a few moments of silence.

"C'mon, I'll race you!"

"Wait-" Sayori tried to protest, without much luck. Monika had already taken off.

She didn't run. She couldn't even remember the last time she had run voluntarily. But seeing Monika's bright smile sparked _something_ within her.

Motivation.

"You're on!" She giggled as she followed her friend's lead, taking off at the closest thing to a run she could achieve.

For that moment she didn't care how she looked or what the other students thought of her. It was just her and Monika.

And, of course, Monika won. She slowed to a halt by the doorway and waited for Sayori to catch up before they both slipped quickly into the school.

"Well I think that outcome was fully decided before we begun that," Sayori stated, slightly out of breath.

"It was still fun! Gosh, I miss running track. It's so freeing. More so when you're actually wearing sports gear and not worrying about your skirt flying up."

They both laughed at that, until they came to a crossroads in the hallway.

Sayori's heart sunk as she had to face the crushing truth that their personal little adventure was ending. It was back to real life responsibilities. Unfortunately.

A gentle hand on her shoulder very nearly startled her, and she peered up to find Monika smiling softly. "Enjoy your day!"

The touch retracted almost as soon as it had landed, clearing her foggy head. "Oh! Yeah, you too!"

They turned their backs to each other and parted. Sayori stared at the ground as she walked, that sinking feeling in her heart remaining.

What if she never felt as good as she had last night again? Was that the extent of her brief moments of happiness? She should really just be thankful that Monika had spent that time with her.

Or had she actually wanted to...?

"Wait, Sayori!"

She ground to a sharp halt as Monika's smooth voice sliced through the air. Quick footsteps approached as she turned to find her friend scurrying towards her. "I forgot to ask earlier. Do you want to do something after school? Well, um, the club first, obviously, but… You know what I mean."

Monika was rambling. In all honesty, that came as a somewhat pleasant surprise from the usually composed demeanour.

"I, uh," Sayori started, her voice catching pathetically. The shock left her struggling to find suitable words and she hastily cleared her throat. "I'd love to! What were you thinking?"

Just as Monika began to answer, the bell chimed through the corridor and she abruptly flinched back, evidently distressed. "I'll text you about it!" She stammered, retreating to the previous route to her class, her steps slightly quicker. A small smile upturned Sayori's lips as she watched her leave.

Did Monika genuinely want to spend time with her? She had, of course, just voluntarily made herself late for the first time this year, only to ask her if she'd like to do something. And she hadn't exactly needed to let her stay over last night, even if Sayori's tortured mind would convince her otherwise.

It just seemed far too good to be true. Perhaps it was all just an act to uncover her weaknesses...?

Shaking her head suddenly, Sayori sighed at those intruding voices. Why did they always have to invade her happy thoughts?

Couldn't they just allow her the freedom of actually feeling content for once?

She frowned, mustering up the energy to head to her own class. At least that was the earliest time she'd arrived at school in months.

And then she suddenly halted, a stinging realisation settling in.

In all the confusion from staying at Monika's, she hasn't taken her meds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catch me on Tumblr if you want, I'm pretty active on there and I'm always up to talk <3 Link is on my A03 profile!


	7. "It's Just Medicine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **So, uh, major trigger warning!**  
>  ****  
>   
> **((For intrusive thoughts and mentions of suicide))**

Sayori blinked at the blackboard, her eyes heavy. An array of equations and numbers were thrown haphazardly across it in white chalk, but she couldn't figure out what they meant.  
  
She was barely functioning at this point. Not taking her medication was beginning to take its toll on her, leaving her feeling drowsy and disoriented.

And numb.  
  
The teacher continued to rant on about whatever maths they were learning on this particular day. It didn't matter-Sayori wasn't absorbing a single word of it, anyway. The teacher was completely oblivious to her struggles, he wouldn't wait for her to catch up. The whole class would move onto the next chapter and leave her behind in the dust.  
  
_A bit like life, then,_ Sayori thought.  
  
All she had to do was just to endure the final fifteen minutes of class and then it was lunch time. As much as she hated the idea of going back home, she had internally planned to slip back there to collect her meds if she could be sneaky enough about it.  
  
But maybe she'd just stay at home. No one would miss her if she didn't return to school, after all, and she couldn't keep running from her parents forever. She'd have some time before they came home from work to gather her confidence, anyway.   
  
She huffed through her nose, glancing down at the phone that was peeking at her from her bag. Monika still hadn't texted her like she had promised she would. Sayori really must have irritated her this time.  
  
A soft hand on her arm made her flinch, her attention snapping back to reality. Sayori blinked lazily at the source, who only peered at her in quiet concern.  
  
"Are you alright?" Natsuki asked, among the chatter of other students. The teacher had stopped talking, it seemed. "You spaced out there."  
  
"Oh!" A sickeningly false smile twisted Sayori's face, her bright tone harsh and bitter to her ears. "I'm just really tired today, I didn't sleep so great last night."  
  
_Liar liar._   
  
Natsuki pursed her lips, evidently in thought. She appeared to buy the act after a moment, though. "You really gotta stop staying up late. That might help."  
  
Laughing somewhat nervously, Sayori just brushed off the comment. "Yeah, I guess. So… uh, can I see your notes?"  
  
Once again, Sayori was left feeling like an utter dumbass. She just couldn't keep up in class when her mind decided to turn against her so harshly.   
  
Natsuki spent the last few minutes of the lesson attempting to teach her the content they had just learnt, to no avail. She just didn't understand.

She just had to face the fact that some days she wouldn't be able to function as a normal student, or a normal teenager for that matter.  
  
And today was one of those particular days.   
  
Thankfully, as Natsuki was repeating the binomial concept for the third time, the bell chimed and cut their little tutoring session short.   
  
"You know, I'm really not the person to be helping you with this," Natsuki stated as they gathered their belongings along with the rest of the class. "I barely understand half of the content myself."   
  
Drained and exhausted, Sayori scoffed. "Yeah, but I'm hardly gonna ask someone else in here."   
  
Humming in agreement, Natsuki shouldered her backpack and trailed behind her as they left the room. "Well, at least we have Monika and Yuri. Smartasses."   
  
That actually sparked a small giggle from Sayori. It was tired and delayed, but a laugh nonetheless.   
  
The pair walked for a minute, their sights set to the cafeteria, when Sayori halted, her focus falling onto the school gates. "I, uh, I'm not feeling too great. I might head home."   
  
Confusion ebbed into Natsuki's expression. "So something _is_ up?"   
  
"No, no! Nothing special, I just feel a little sick is all." She insisted weakly, offering her friend the biggest smile she could muster in that moment.   
  
Convincing enough, apparently.   
  
"Oh, uh, okay!" Natsuki shot her a small half-smile in return. "Feel better soon- or, you know, whatever you're supposed to say in these situations."   
  
"Thank you!" Sayori responded with a slight, forced laugh, eagerly turning to depart from her friend. "See you later!"   
  
She wasn't so thrilled to get away from her, exactly.   
  
She just couldn't wait to be alone.   
  
It was a sad fact to face that the most energy she had experienced since that morning was centered towards abandoning her friends.   
  
_You're doing them a favour._   
  
Sayori managed to slip through the school gates without hassle from any of the various teachers prowling the grounds, to her relief. She really didn't have the patience to cope with explaining herself right now.   
  
The cars sped past her as she walked numbly through the busy residential streets of her little home town, the short burst of adrenaline wearing off. Time seemed to blur together, minutes becoming seconds and seconds becoming fleeting moments.   
  
She hated when that happened.

Stupid, stupid depression.  
  
The cars… all different designs, shapes, colours and sizes. They passed in a constant stream, their colours morphing together to form a hybrid combination.  
  
_You could just jump out into them. All it would take is one single, painless second. So easy._

_No one would care._

Shaking her head quickly, Sayori inhaled a sharp breath and halted in the middle of the street, her mind foggy and throbbing almost painfully.

 _Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts_.

Her head fell into her hands as she continued to shake her head, a few other people dodging her as they hurried along the sidewalk. She must look like a freaking idiot to them.

Her whole frame shuddered like a leaf as she fought those intrusive ideals.

They were getting much harder to ignore.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Sayori made it home in one piece, the first stage of the trial complete.

_Meds. Meds. Meds._

She played that like a broken record, repeating it aloud in a hushed whisper. Over and over.

It had seemed to silence the voices enough to get her home, at least.

She stumbled for the bathroom, a little room at the far end of the upstairs corridor.

She'd nearly made it. Just a few more steps...

The overhead light flicked on, flooding streams of harsh, artificial light into the tiled room.

_Tiles. They were easy to clean blood off of, yeah?_

_No one would even remember_.

A few unsteady steps later and she was at the sink, her hands grasping the edge of the marble as she held her weight up by her trembling arms.

She blinked at herself in the old cabinet mirror. A morphed, twisted version blinked back.

Tired, bloodshot eyes, a deep frown, forehead wrinkled from worry. That wasn't her. It _wasn't_. 

She wouldn't let it become her.

The medicine cabinet swung open with numb fingers, the hinges squeaking gently as it did so. Sayori scanned the shelves in search of her particular meds, only for her eyes to unwillingly fixate on an attractively placed, opened box.

Razors.

_They're nice and sharp, all ready and waiting for you. Do it. Slice your wrists. Just once will suffice, that's all it'd take to slip away peacefully._

_Or maybe you deserve the pain._

_Do it again and again and again and-_ __  
  
Biting back the urge to scream, Sayori forced herself to grab the bottle of medication she kept on the bottom shelf, slamming the door firmly shut afterwards. It rattled as she tipped two little pink pills into the palm of her hand and turned the tap on with a soft creak.

She swallowed them with a handful of water, relief once again washing over her.

 _That's not your usual dose. Take another_.

Oh, okay. She did.

 _Very good. And another_.

One more, then.

_And anoth-_

"No!" Sayori suddenly cried aloud, dropping the bottle and scattering loose pills across the tiles.

Oh _God,_ she'd almost listened to the voices. They'd very nearly tricked her.

_You're weak._

The tap water continued to run in a relaxing, constant stream. She focused on the gentle, lulling sound of it in attempt to calm her rapid breathing and racing heart. It was similar to white noise, in a way.

That was close. _Too_ close. Sometimes she really underestimated just how well her meds were working, until she was faced with the brutal reality of her depression.

She'd be dead already without them.

A stray tear trickled down her cheek. She was so _freaking_ tired of all of this.

She lived in constant fear that one day she wouldn't be able to hush those voices that spewed reckless and fatal ideas.

One day they'd win. She could feel it coming.

But no one would care, anyway. She knew that much was certain. So why exactly did she keep putting it off, again?

There was a reason, but she couldn't remember it in that moment.

The short walk back to her room felt like an eternity, nausea beginning to twist in her stomach. She’d left the pills on the floor, too mentally exhausted to even attempt to clear them up.

Her legs were stiff and her movements mechanical, as if she lacked conscious control over them.

Perhaps she truly did in this zombie-like state.

They took her to her closet.

No, her legs didn't. _She_ did.

She really had to stop dodging the blame every chance she got. Everything she did was of her own accord and she had to accept that.

Like reaching out for her dressing gown, for example.

Why exactly did she need that when fully dressed in the middle of the day?

Oh yeah, the cord.

Weakly, her fingers gripped the long, fluffy cord of her blue dressing gown and tugged it from the belt holes. Her hands crossed to form a loop out of the fabric and she held it up to a small sliver of light that slipped through the blinds of her dark bedroom.

She hadn't even turned the light on or opened the curtains.

Well, she _never_ opened the curtains.

Tired eyes scanned the loop the cord had made.

 _Maybe it'd make a pretty necklace_.

It dropped with a soft thud to the floor as she shook her head slowly.

No, a rope would look prettier.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Sayori once again found herself thrown across her unmade duvet, her energy for the day depleted.

The endless fight with her depression left her incredibly exhausted each and every time it managed to gain the upperhand of her conscious. But she was getting used to it at this point.

Sometimes it was easier to just let it win.

She stared numbly at the ceiling above her head. At a little, old hook just slightly left from the center.

From it hung a rope, tied into a roughly shaped noose.

She blinked at it, quietly exhaling warm air.

_It would be so easy. No one would care. Why do you keep hesitating every time we get this far?_

No, today wasn't the day. Something felt… off, about it.

 _It would look awfully pretty on you, though_.

Too bad. Not today.

Her phone buzzed twice from her bag in its nesting space by the bed, snapping her out of her daze. Probably a spam email notification or a message from one of her parents.

Maybe the latter was too far fetched to assume. They hadn't even noticed that she had disappeared last night. No calls, no messages.

And then it buzzed again. And again.

_Wait a second…_

It was ringing.

Sayori rolled over and made a quick dive for the buzzing phone. Her heart skipped a beat at seeing the name that was written across the little screen, lighting her whole mood in an instant.

 _Monika_ was calling her.

And her improved mood only meant she could actually feel _something_ . The meds were kicking in, thank God. That's exactly what she needed right now.

Maybe talking to Monika would give her mind that final kick back to normality.

Well, as close to normality as she could ever achieve.

"Moni?"

"Sayo?" Her soft voice calmed Sayori instantly, a soothing heat spreading through her veins as the comfort grounded her.

She was alive. She was real.

She'd be okay.

"Where are you?" She asked, genuine concern lacing her tone. “Natsuki said you went home, me and Yuri were looking for you!”

"Uh, yeah. I'm at home," she answered mechanically. Sayori could hear the chattering of students and the rustle of packed lunches in the background as Monika spoke. It actually felt… _comforting,_ to be reminded of real life after that awful, dissociating numbness from the world.

"Why, what's wrong?"

"I..." Sayori paused, her gaze landing upon the rope, swaying ever so slightly from its position.

Beckoning.

"Nothing! I just wasn't feeling too well, that's all."

Why couldn't she just tell her? Monika knew nearly everything, she would understand.

Yet she just couldn't bring herself to be honest.

"Oh," Monika replied. She sounded genuinely disheartened. "So you're not coming back in?"

 _Oh, gosh_ , she seemed so sad. Was that… because of her? Surely not. "I mean...I guess I could?"

"Don't worry if you can't!" Monika hastily added, a little chirpier. "I was just gonna propose we do something later. Like we'd planned? But, uh, that's okay if you're not feeling up to it!"

In all of the stress she'd forgotten about that.

 _Stupid stupid stupid_ .

"Oh, of course! Did you have any ideas?"

"Well," Monika stuttered through the phone. "I'm happy to do anything, but I have a coupon for this cafe around the corner from my house...?"

That seemed like a question, and Sayori instantly knew her answer. "Sounds good!"

"Are you sure?"

"Mmhm!"

"Okay, no pressure, though! If you're not in the club later I'll swing by your house after school. But text me if you change your mind, yeah?"

"I'll see you then!" Sayori laughed nervously, her excitement getting the better of her, until the line died with a soft click.

Monika had checked up on her. And Yuri had asked about her, too.

_They care, they care, they care._

Sayori just had to keep reminding herself of that, and she'd be okay.

 _Right?_

Clinging to a loose scrap of energy, she pushed herself up from her bed with a defeated sigh. Suddenly returning to school didn't feel like such a burden to her mind.

Until she tried to walk, that is. The nausea eating away at her stomach kicked in and she hurriedly sat back down on the edge of the mattress to clutch her stomach, the urge to vomit so, overwhelmingly strong.

A side effect of an almost-overdose.

But she couldn't. If she did, she'd have no idea whether or not the meds had reached their full potential. And she didn't want to risk exposing that side of herself to Monika. Not yet. 

So instead, she lay back again, her eyes fixating to the rope attached to her ceiling.

Monika would just have to pick her up later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, that was painful.
> 
> Thank you once again to everyone for your lovely comments, they all make me smile! And to rosyastronaut who beta-ed this chapter and is continually helping me with my motivation and keeping me going!


	8. "Take Me Out to Eat at the True Love Cafe"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I'm on a writing roll here. Chapters uploaded left, right and center!

Sayori hadn't shown up to the club.

That wasn’t a particularly huge surprise, and yet, Monika couldn’t deny the sting of disappointment she had felt as the realisation had settled.

The car steadily drove through the streets, joining a stream of others whose residents were going about their daily lives just like her. Each and every one of them were experiencing their own range of emotions and struggles and joys.

What an alarming, yet somewhat comforting thought.

Poetic, in a way.

Monika hummed quietly along to the music drifting from the speakers as she ground to a halt at a zebra crossing. A few younger children scurried across the stretch of white lines, likely on their merry way home from school.

School had gone alright for herself today, as had the club, despite the obvious lack of Sayori. No arguments or petty remarks from Yuri nor Natsuki, at least. Monika counted that as a win.

Sayori was usually a calming buffer to their little group; she could effortlessly diffuse arguments or spark conversation when so needed, and she always made sure to make each member feel included in everything, regardless of their clear differences.

She was a brilliant vice president for the club.

Although, Monika had to admit, her opinion was a little more biased than the others’. She treasured Sayori in a strikingly different way than she did the other two.

The car crawled away from its resting space once the crossing cleared, Monika returning to her drive to Sayori's.

She wasn't entirely sure whether she should be calling that collection of muddled feelings a crush. Her emotions were all over the place, what with the recent events that had unfolded. Both with Sayori’s depression and Kyoko, the student council vice president.

She'd been calling it a crush from the moment she first realised that spark. But ever since Sayori had opened up to her, the whole situation had become far too real and confusing, more so than it already was. So she'd decided to stop referring to it as such, hoping it would separate her logical mind from her emotions.

Even if it _was_ a crush.

Which it absolutely was.

Monika groaned through gritted teeth, her grasp on the steering wheel tightening. Oh, it was _definitely_ a crush. She _knew_ that. But she was trying not to admit that particular fact to herself anymore.

Besides, what were the chances that those feelings were reciprocated?

Slim to none, in her case.

And even if by some miracle they _were,_ a relationship was the last thing Sayori needed for her depression. She needed friendship and support, not the added stress that a girlfriend would pile on. It was far easier to simply ignore it all, instead.

Well, _try_ to ignore it.

Sighing inwardly, Monika pulled into the empty driveway of Sayori's home. Her parents didn’t seem to have returned from work, which was partially relieving and partially worrying.

Sayori hadn't mentioned if they'd checked up on her yet. Had they even realised that she'd disappeared last night?

If not, that was an incredibly depressing fact.

As she tread up the driveway, Monika took a deep, calming breath to center her thoughts before she reached out and knocked sharply on the door. Sayori's house was modern, small and white with sharp edges, yet it seemed cosy nonetheless.

After a short pause, she heard faint footsteps approaching. The light and metallic clinking of a chain lock could be heard before the door swung open.

On the other side stood Sayori, a sweet, bright smile alighting her entire expression. Monika's heart leapt to her throat at the sight of her standing there, her hair gently ruffled and eyes bright.

She was adorable.

“Hey! Good timing, I just slipped my shoes on,” Sayori greeted her, her smile infectious.

Monika laughed softly, any previous nerves disintegrating immediately. “I read your mind, clearly.”

“You must have,” Sayori agreed as she closed and locked the front door with a soft click, before turning back to Monika.

“Are you feeling any better?” She asked cautiously, as the two made their way back towards Monika's car.

Sayori faltered at that question. Monika saw it plain as day as she studied her face; her smile wavered and her eyes glazed over for just a single, fleeting moment, barely noticeable.

To others, that is. Not to Monika.

“Yeah, _much_ better!” Sayori answered with her usual chirpiness, however.

So she was hiding something, then. As much as Monika wanted to help, she knew she couldn't press her. If Sayori wanted to talk to her, she would come to her.

That hurt, but she had to be patient.

So instead, she grinned. “That's what I like to hear!”

The moment the two were safely strapped in the car, Monika pulled away from the driveway.

“Are you hungry?” Monika asked, the leather seats squeaking in protest as they relaxed into them.

She really hoped that she was making the right decision here. Distracting her from her own mind should help rather than hinder her further, right? And taking her away from her house, where she could mope and think too much, was the only solution Monika had at that moment.

But she'd read that it could make her feel even more like a burden.

 _Gosh, this is tough_ , Monika thought, nibbling her lip.

“Is that a trick question?” Sayori responded with a light-hearted giggle. The pretty sound sparked a warm flame inside Monika's chest. “I'm _always_ hungry!”

“Well, I had to be sure,” she replied with a weak laugh. “You could have been replaced by an alternate version of yourself who's not interested in food.”

“See, I'd laugh at that if I didn't know you weren't deadly serious,” Sayori remarked, her head resting against the glass window. “Still fascinated by alternate realities, huh?”

“Oh, of course,” she gushed, peering up at the blue, afternoon sky for a moment as she drove. So much possibility lied out there. The absolute insanity of it all was hauntingly beautiful. And terrifying. “Aren't you?”

“I'm not fascinated by much these days, but…” she paused, and when Monika caved to her curiosity and glanced in her direction she caught Sayori studying her with a sweet, little smile. “Let's just say I am, yeah.”

She smiled back, her stomach knotting with delight as a dusty blush tinted her cheeks ever so slightly.

_Oh, that's so cute. Pull yourself together, Moni._

In a spur of the moment decision, Monika's spare hand found the latch controlling the passenger's side window. She pulled it, the window edging down a little.

It was enough to make Sayori yelp and flinch back in surprise, at least. Monika shot her a knowing grin.

“Okay, that was cruel!” Sayori pouted playfully, before breaking out into laughter. “You scared me.”

Theatrically, Monika slapped a hand to her chest and gasped. “However shall I atone?”

“I'll let you know if your atonement is good enough after we eat,” she replied breathlessly. “It all rests on the quality of this cafe!”

That little stunt was supposed to distract her from her feelings towards her friend, but instead it only encouraged her heart to swell ever further. Sayori was a particularly pure soul. Monika had learned that fact over the years of knowing her.

She didn't deserve a single ounce of her depression.

As the laughter died off, Monika spoke up once more. “When would you like me to help with your room, by the way?”

“What...?” Confusion contorted Sayori’s face, her nose wrinkling adorably in thought. That was, until she seemed to remember their arrangement. “Oh! Uh, anytime, I guess.”

She appeared genuinely surprised that Monika was following through with her plan to help. Perhaps she wasn't used to that.

That was a saddening thought.

“Tomorrow? After school?”

“Sure! That works.”

 _It's a date,_ Monika thought to herself with a private smile.

 

 

* * *

  
  


The cafe buzzed with a gentle energy, most of the tables occupied by couples, ranging from other teenagers to the elderly. A few students sat alone at smaller tables, a coffee or pastry beside their laptops or notebooks, stationed in front of them as they worked.

But Monika wasn't paying attention to any of _those_ people.

She smiled across the table at Sayori, who, thankfully, seemed relaxed and bubbly. They'd managed to score a couple of seats in a shadowed corner, away from the crowded center and prying eyes.

The vintage cafe donned a fairly hipster theme, with wooden panels for walls, shelves clad with old books, and chalkboards for menus. It was a comfortable atmosphere, though. Especially as the soft rock music and chattering of customers filled any gaps of silence.

Sayori hummed in delight as she took a small sip of her chosen drink, strawberry hot chocolate, from the oversized mug, her eyes fluttering shut. “Just like I remember!”

“What do you mean?” Monika asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

Snapping her eyes open, Sayori seemed to realise that she'd spoken. “Oh! Uh.” She giggled a little awkwardly, “I used to make this with my childhood friend all the time. Before he, y'know, moved away and everything.” She trailed off, her eyes inclined to the little ripples upon the liquid’s surface. Monika knew well of that friend. Not personally, though, only through Sayori’s stories. “It tastes just like it used to when we would make it.”

Monika took a quiet sip of her own drink, the sugary bitterness of the coffee exploding on her tongue as the warmth spread gradually throughout her body. “I genuinely can't tell whether that's a good thing or a bad thing from your reaction.”

“No, no! It's good!” Sayori assured her with a sad smile. “Just nostalgic, is all.” A short pause stretched between them, only broken when Sayori finally glanced up at her. “Do you miss your childhood?”

Monika snorted and took another drink, peering at her over the rim. “You mean freedom, not having any responsibilities or bills, the most stress being over a petty argument about toys with your friends? Yeah, I do miss it.”

Sayori nodded in agreement. “Right? I do, too. Her finger slowly traced a muddled indentation in the thick wooden table, focusing a little harder on the task than it so required. She lowered her voice to a murmur. “I especially miss not being depressed.”

Another pause. This time, Monika took a deep, cooling breath before she shattered it. "Can I tell you something?"  
  
"Always!”  
  
"I've been researching how to help someone with depression, but… all I'm really finding is _'this may work for some, but not others',_ so I'm getting very trial and error vibes here. This is new territory for me, and I feel a little lost in it all.”

That was… actually really freaking hard to admit. She shifted awkwardly, feeling a little like she was prying far too much into Sayori's personal life.

But she wanted to help her, and this was the most efficient start, Monika assumed. Even if it made Sayori regret telling her about it.

“You've been… _what_?” Sayori gaped at her, stunned, her eyes wide and lips parted. Had that been a surprise, or something? Monika wasn't entirely sure why, if so.

“Yeah, I figured you'd be a better help than Google,” she replied weakly. Her nerves were beginning to rise, she noticed.

Maybe it had been a bad idea to bring this up.

“Monika… that's really sweet.”

“It is?” she asked, her heart flipping as she met Sayori's eyes.

“Yeah!” Her voice adopted a calmer, dreamy tone all of a sudden. “I never expected you to even try and help me, nevermind spend time _researching_ it. I've never had anyone care enough to do that, not even my parents.”

Granted, Sayori hadn’t exactly told a whole range of people. But that was reassuring, nonetheless.

“Well, I care.”

“Thank you,” Sayori murmured, her eyes bright and glazed-over as she blinked across the table at Monika. The moment stretched on, perhaps a little too long, and Monika felt her cheeks beginning to heat.

“Anyway! You said something about ‘trial and error?’” Sayori continued. “I sort of zoned out at that point.”

“Yeah,” Monika laughed nervously, averting her eyes to her drink. “It's hard to tell what would help and what would just make you feel worse.”

Humming thoughtfully, Sayori relaxed back into her seat. “I'm gonna be totally unhelpful and say that I don't really know, either. Maybe it's best to just try something you think might help when it comes to that, and if it doesn't, then just rule it off.”

"Actually, I might have a good place to start, then,” Monika said slowly, her nails tapping rhythmically against the wooden table. "So, uh, earlier… did you really just feel ill? Or was it something… more?"

Again, she didn't mean to pry, but the notion had been plaguing her since lunch and Sayori had basically just given her the all-clear on approaching that territory.

That same, downcast look from earlier twisted Sayori’s expression, a battle clearly occurring within her head. Instead of it flicking back to her usual, smiling mask, however, it remained. Frowning, she sunk further into the wooden seat.

“No, I didn't just feel ill,” she eventually answered.

 _Okay, good start_.

“Do you… want to talk about what happened, maybe?”

Sayori let out a sharp laugh that sounded more like a sob. The defined contrast of her bubbly self from a minute earlier to now was staggering. And eye-opening-- it really showed just how much her friend kept inside. “I do, it's just… hard.”

Monika kept her mouth shut, allowing Sayori to open up at her own pace. She let the silence stretch while waiting for her to fill it. After a minute or so, Sayori obliged her.

“So, you know how we had that spontaneous sleepover last night?"

Monika smiled fondly to herself. She remembered it well-- the memory of waking up with Sayori cuddled into her back was firmly etched into her mind. “I do.”

Sayori sighed, her finger tracing the rim of her mug, this time. “I didn't bring my meds. My thoughts took me to… pretty dark places today, to put it mildly.”

Monika blinked, the realisation sinking her heart. It was supposed to be _her_ job to remind Sayori to take her medication on the occasion she forgot it. And yet the thought hadn't even crossed her mind this morning.

“Sayori, I'm so sorry,” she murmured, guilt gnawing at her stomach. “I didn't think of that at all.”

Sayori smiled weakly, masking her tired expression once more. She took a long drink before locking their eyes. “It's alright. I'm still here, aren't I?”

_What if next time she isn't?_

“And…” Monika stuttered out, apprehension nipping at her heels. Something about Sayori's words set her immediately on edge. “You’re gonna stay here, right…?”

Instead of offering a solid answer, Sayori's face twitched, surprise flicking across her expression as cogs clearly turned in her head. Then, after a quiet pause, she abandoned her drink and stood up, the scrape of the wooden chair harsh to her ears. Monika was almost certain she was going to bolt, that she’d turn her back and stalk from the cafe for crossing a line.

But she didn't.

In one, smooth motion, Sayori took a step forward and slipped into the cushioned booth beside her, before enveloping her into a hug.

Surprised, Monika hesitated for a moment, completely frozen in shock until the warmth of Sayori's breath against her throat snapped her back into reality. Monika slowly wrapped her arms around her, keeping her close.

Although the hug was comforting in itself, Monika couldn't shake the unnerving reminder that Sayori hadn't actually answered her question.

“Um, Sayo?” She murmured after a short time, rubbing small circles into Sayori’s back.

Sayori only shook her head, a small sniffle escaping her as she did so.

Perhaps this was one of those times where she shouldn't push her for an answer.

Sighing softly, Monika tightened her grip around the smaller girl, resting her chin atop her fluffy head of curls.

Internally, she made it her personal goal to never allow a single thing to seriously hurt Sayori again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so thank you everyone for your continued support! You all keep this fic going, I love you all!
> 
> Again, special thanks to my girl Hannah (rosyastronaut) for still being my beta and for putting up with me and just being an allround lovely person. Also for choosing the vice president's name!


	9. "I Know Angels Are Real Now That I've Found You"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I have no excuse for this being up late, I've just been watching anime in my spare time like a big ol' weeb. I binged the entirety of The Ancient Magus' Bride and now I'm obsessed, oops.
> 
> Also I'm sobbing when the fuckkkk did Snow get over 1k kudos like how why what I just love every single person who took the time to read it I just aksbvanshs so emotional rn onto the next chapter before I cry even more

With an exasperated sigh, Monika trudged into the clubroom, flopping down into a vacant chair with a little more force than required.

So far, her day hadn't exactly been _bad,_ just… not great. Thursdays were usually when the student council met up during lunch; but with Kyoko avoiding her like the plague, Monika was left having to cancel the meeting. There wasn't much they could do without their vice president, after all.

At least the skipped meeting had led to the formation of lunch plans next Saturday with their whole council. Perhaps that would ease the tension that Monika had foolishly created within the group.

All over one stupid kiss.

Yuri, who was already waiting with their current reading material stationed on the desk before her, peered curiously up at Monika. Her entrance hadn't exactly been subtle, after all.

“Is everything alright?” she asked gently, voice stronger than usual. She had always been far more confident when it was just the two of them. Monika laughed shortly, the sound harsh and sharp to her ears, and she dropped her own book to the desk.

“It's alright, Yuri. Just drama.”

Yuri smiled shyly in response. “I cannot say I envy you.” A small pause. Her head inclined to the table, until she quietly added, “Right now.”

Just then, Natsuki breezed through the door. “Hey,” she mumbled, to which the other two greeted her. She searched in her bag for a moment and pulled out a couple of pristine, undamaged volumes of manga. “Mind if I add these to the collection, Moni?”

Monika nodded, watching with careful concern as Natsuki stalked to the back cupboard and disappeared inside. She could hear her quietly rummaging about with the boxes of her ever-growing manga collection.

Natsuki had mentioned, way back at the dawn of their club, that her father didn't allow her to keep manga in her room. Apparently he’d claimed that it was for children and had no place in their home, so he had, quote, _“destroyed_ ’ her previous collection.

She had confessed all of this to Monika in private about two weeks after joining the club, while in tears. Monika had had little to no idea of what he had done to poor Natsuki’s manga at the time he found it, but she could make an educated guess, baring in mind how devastated Natsuki had been.

So Monika had begged the teacher who owned the club room to allow her to keep the manga in the back cupboard, where it wouldn't get in the way. Initially he had refused, as he saw no reason to store manga in a literature club, but with a little convincing she had won him over.

All without even mentioning Natsuki's situation.

Occasionally, though, the teacher would move the boxes in order to rearrange the cupboard, or misplace them while taking them down to retrieve something else. Natsuki's fiery temper would always pin the blame on Monika, but she'd just apologise and smile in response, despite not having anything to do with it.

It was a small price to pay for Natsuki's sanity.

She emerged soon enough, her pink hair still ruffled from the wind outside. Monika watched cautiously as she dropped down into the seat next to her with a relaxed hum.

Natsuki was wearing concealer again, she noticed. Badly applied, as she rarely wore it.

She was trying to hide something.

“What's up?” Natsuki's words snapped Monika back into the real world. She blinked, realising all of a sudden that she was still staring.

“Nothing!” she claimed with a forced smile, to which Natsuki only shrugged and retrieved her book from her backpack.

“Anyway,” Monika continued, “we can't start anything without Sayo. Any idea where she is?”

Shrugging once more, Natsuki shook her head. “Nope. I didn't have my last class with her.”

Yuri also shook her head, a small frown pulling at her lips.

 _Well, may as well kill some time, then_. “How was everyone's day?” she asked, forcibly relaxing into the chair.

They chatted for a short while, a routine back and forth between the three of them. That was until Monika glanced at the clock at the far side of the room and noticed that Sayori was now nearly ten minutes late.

A twinge of panic ignited in her chest. It wasn't uncommon for Sayori to be late, but she usually told someone, if she knew she would be. She very rarely left them without an explanation.

And none of them had received any sort of validation.

After another minute of waiting, Monika was about ready to go searching for her, paranoia-induced images of some thoroughly traumatising situations firmly etched into her mind. She abandoned her book and jumped up, making a beeline for the door. Just as she reached for the handle, Sayori barreled through it, nearly knocking Monika off her feet.

“Oh, Monika! I'm so sorry,” she apologised breathlessly, grasping ahold of Monika's arm in a feeble attempt to offer some help. “Are you alright? Gosh, I’m such a clutz.”

“Yeah, I was…” All of a sudden, it seemed weird for her to go looking for Sayori. Almost as if she were admitting to herself and her friend that she didn't trust her, or thought she couldn't take care of herself. And she didn’t want Sayori thinking either of those things. “I mean- yeah, I'm alright.”

Monika stepped back, allowing Sayori to slip into the classroom, which she quickly did. As the shock subsided, it was replaced by a wave of relief. Sayori was _here_ , she was okay. Monika didn't have to worry so much about her.

Although, what she'd told her yesterday had given her enough proof that she needed to worry. Even if that wasn't what Sayori wanted.

Shaking her head, Monika forced herself to relax and turn back to the group, plastering a somewhat forced smile onto her face.

“I brought the book this time, Yuri!” Sayori announced, digging around in her bag. She retrieved it and dropped it onto the table, a proud little grin alighting her face. But there was something hidden there, Monika noticed. The grin didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Returning the smile, Yuri tapped the pages of her own book in front of her with a slender finger. “Very good, Sayori. I brought a spare copy, just in case.”

Again, Sayori’s eyes dimmed at those words behind her smiling mask. She slipped into the seat opposite Yuri and quickly reached for a little teacup, pouring herself a drink as she spoke. “How far are you guys into it?”

“A hundred and twelve pages,” Yuri stated quietly, her nails gently scratching the cuff of her wrist as her cheeks flared a light crimson.

Monika flipped the book open as she sat into the seat beside Sayori, her eyes flicking to the page number. “Eighty one.”

“Thirty,” Natsuki grumbled, sinking lower into her chair.

“Hey, don’t be down about that!” Sayori pouted at her, opening her own book. “I’m only on page twenty.”

Natsuki shrugged, her eyes inclined to the pages grasped within her small hands. “Yeah, but you weren’t here yesterday.”

Sayori opened her mouth to speak, then paused. She shut it again after a moment, slouching back against the chair. “We all take things at our own pace.”

Smiling, Monika glanced up at Sayori, who had her eyes well and truly plastered onto the book. She tried so hard to cheer people up, she absolutely deserved that in abundance in return.

Whether she agreed with that or not, every one of them knew she deserved it.

They all read for a little while in a peaceful silence. Reading the same book as each other seemed to bond them further as a group, the atmosphere comforting and warm.

That was, until, Monika caught a glimpse of movement from the corner of her eye. When she glanced up, she noticed Yuri fidgeting a little, her fingers rhythmically drumming against the cheap, wooden desk. Yuri's own eyes were suspiciously flicking back and forth between her book and Natsuki.

Shaking it off, Monika returned to reading, only to once again find herself distracted by Yuri shifting her weight in her chair repeatedly.

Over the space of a minute or so her agitation only grew, escalating into quiet humming.

Until, eventually, Yuri snapped, dropping her book to the table.

Yuri set her steely sight firmly on Natsuki, a fire igniting deep within her core as she spoke with such surprising fever. "Were you raised by wolves? Honestly, Natsuki, that book is hardly going to run away if you stop handling it like a wild animal."

 _Oh_ , she had been worried about the book's well being.

Hurt flickered noticeably across Natsuki's expression for a quick second, only to harden into her usual flare. "Shut up,” she deadpanned, “preferably forever."  
  
"Guys!" Sayori snapped at that, her voice slicing through the tension like a knife to butter. Shocked at her ferocity, the other three girls lifted their heads to blink, dumbfounded, at her. Her voice softened as she spoke again, “We need to accept each other's differences.”

“But she was being so overly careless with the book, and it is far too delicate for that,” Yuri practically whined, her brow furrowed in worry. All of her angry passion from moments ago had faded away into pure nerves.

“Yuri, does a simple book really mean more to you than your friends?” Sayori asked softly, leaning forward in her chair not unlike a counsellor to a patient. Working her jaw, Yuri genuinely seemed to consider her answer. It was true that books meant a lot to her, both emotionally and mentally, their whole group was well aware of that fact. And perhaps forcing her to choose between the two of them was unwise.

After a few seconds of silence, Natsuki scoffed and rolled her eyes. But instead of retaliating, Yuri only sighed and shook her head, solidifying her answer. “No, it does not. And I truly mean that.”

Smiling, Sayori nodded once and turned her sights to Natsuki, who was sat with her arms crossed tightly across her chest, huffing. “And you,” Sayori started playfully, “You don't need to be so defensive all the time! Be the bigger person.”

Monika bit her lip to hold back a laugh at the thought of Natsuki _actually_ being bigger than the rest of them for once. Sayori had pure intentions in her words, though; she was sure of that.

Scowling, Natsuki just slumped further into her seat, hiding her face behind her book. That meant she agreed, however. Despite her aggressive way of showing it.

Seemingly pleased, Sayori shot Monika a pretty grin that sent delightfully warm flutters to her heart. Her cheeks heated noticeably all of a sudden, and she quickly averted her eyes.

The peaceful silence returned as they continued to read. After a lengthy pause, however, Sayori folded the corner of the page and placed the book down. “Maybe we could try a team building project?”

Perking up at her suggestion, Monika raised a curious eyebrow. “Like what?”

The other two girls had lowered their own respective books, seemingly interested in Sayori's proposal.

“Well, uh,” she chuckled nervously, likely from the sudden pressure. “I was thinking we all write poems, but set to a theme. If that makes sense?”

“You mean we all write about the same topic in our own separate writing styles?” Yuri offered, intrigued.

“Yeah!” Sayori beamed, glancing between each of the members. “What do you say? It doesn't necessarily need to be poems, either…”

Monika had to admit that was a pretty creative idea. Perhaps it would actually force Natsuki and Yuri to see eye to eye for once. That, or it would backfire and they'd argue even more.

Even so, it was worth a shot. Poetry was something Monika loved experimenting with in her own, personal time. It could condense complex emotions into tangible, pliable phrases that danced off the tongue effortlessly.

It was a beautiful thing.

“I like it!” Monika chirped, to which Sayori's eyes brightened noticeably.

The other two, however, seemed a tad more apprehensive. Yuri shifted her weight, her cheeks heating with a soft blush. “I...I am not sure how I feel about that. I am hardly confident in my writing, perhaps not enough to expose it to a group…”

Sayori's smile cracked, her eyes dimming once more. “That's okay, Yuri!” she said, masking the forcefulness of the statement wonderfully. Not quite enough to hide it from Monika, however. “I won't make you.”

Natsuki grumbled to herself quietly, a short puff of air escaping through her nose. “I mean… I wouldn't _hate_ the idea. I just…” she glanced across at Yuri, who was keenly watching her hands where they rested on the table. “I think I feel the same way as Yuri.”

Well, that got them to agree on _something._ Even if it wasn't what Sayori had initially planned.

She had to say something. Anything to try and change the tides of the conversation.

Clearing her throat, Monika clapped her hands together and spoke up. “I know it can be hard to show off your writing when you're not used to that, but maybe that's a good sign! It's only to our little group, and we can start off by sharing it one-on-one to begin with, if that helps.” Monika rubbed her wrist anxiously, unsure if what she was saying was having any effect at all. “Maybe we could all at least write something tonight and see how we feel tomorrow about sharing it?”

She scanned the apprehensive pair, who seemed to be considering the offer. After a few, painfully long seconds, Natsuki finally shrugged with a grunt. “Fine, I'm down for giving it a go.”

Sayori's expression lit up again, her smile returning with full vigor. It took Yuri a bit longer to come to terms with the new arrangement, but eventually she, too, nodded in agreement. “Alright. I will try.”

“Yay!” Sayori grinned, clapping her hands with excitement. Relieved, Monika relaxed back into her chair and smiled fondly; the effort was well worth seeing Sayori so happy. “Now we just have to pick a theme.”

Silence fell upon their group as they all seemed to ponder the endless possibilities before them.

That was often the hardest part of poetry, securing a topic to write about. Usually, Monika would just freeform it and write whatever her pen allowed her to, but that deferred from the point in this situation.

There were plenty of options available, but in all honesty that fact only contributed to the tough decision.

Scanning the classroom, Monika made a mental list of all the ideas that sprung to mind as a result of the surrounding decor. Posters and fliers held themes of nature, plants, food, school, life...countless possibilities.

Her eyes landed on Sayori and she groaned internally, cursing her predictable mindset.

She was pretty. Her face contorted with thought, lower lip caught between her teeth as she tapped her finger slowly against the desk. Monika exhaled quietly as she stole another quick glance her way, pulse racing.

 _Wait a minute,_ she thought, an idea sparking to life.

_Her hair’s the colour of peaches._

_Peaches._

_Fruit_.

“What about fruit?” Monika said automatically. Sayori pursed her lips and hummed, evidently in thought, until she nodded.

“I like it! I think it's full of variety. What about you guys?” she turned to both Natsuki and Yuri, who had their own little, private smiles on their faces.

“Sounds good,” Natsuki stated, kicking her feet up onto a nearby chair.

Yuri nodded once. “I agree.”

Well, that settled that, at least.

As they settled back into reading, Monika realised she felt a little like how Natsuki and Yuri had described minutes ago. Exposing her own writing that was filled with personal emotions was a daunting thought. What if it wasn't up to standard? What if it was too short, too long? What if she rambled..?

Well. One thing was for certain, Monika thought, barely concealing a smile as she recalled that bold grin and wisps of pink hair catching the pale Summer light.

Inspiration would hardly be an issue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my girl Hannah (rosyastronaut) who I love lots cause she's my waifu and she's cool for beta-ing this again. Go read her fic guys, seriously!


End file.
